The System Is Rigged In The Houses Favor. The hidden costs that keep rising because the public has no access to transparent pricing models.

The system, i.e., the whole profession of veterinary medicine and all of its affiliates, is rigged in the houses favor. It's a harsh reality for the ever growing mob of pet parents who feel betrayed by the system they rely on for their pets well-being. The vet, the vet hospital, and the profession as a whole, has all of the power. Power can come in many forms, with many faces, but, the most powerful will always remain with those who control the emotional, mental, physical, and financial survival of those who do not. Power of that kind is totalitarian. Power like that has collapsed civilizations. Made extinction a reality. Power like that is dangerous beyond measure. 

Serafina. My daily reminder of my WHY.

Whilst some would say the house of vetmed has always has been rigged, I would add that is was, at one time not too long ago, centered on providing care that was utilitarian/agrarian based, not emotionally based. When that shift to companion based pet vs. food/livelihood based animals happened, and our four legged friends became bedfellows, the whole construct of vetmed shifted with it. Vetmed promoted, marketed, and richly profited from the elevation in pets status to highly valued family members. For an ever increasingly large section of humans our pets are truly the only thing we consider to be our children. We brought our critters inside our homes, gave them their own beds, and now we buy them their own gourmet food, sold by tv personalities, whose nutritional content often surpasses our chik-burger-plastic-wrapper-fast food convenient daily meals. Our pets have social media pages, monogrammed Christmas stockings, and matching family holiday outfits. We do not hide the fact that we spoil, spend and love them. We hug, kiss and fret over their happiness and health. We do not see them as property any longer. We see them as individuals we protect and advocate for. This whole pet based relationship has swung from livelihood based to heartfelt. This relationship with our pets, well, it became deeply, personally, and life-changingly, emotional. 

Pets are, in many of my clients lives, (mine being no exception), the cornerstone to the joy in their day to day lives. We are so emotionally anchored to our pets that we will do anything to maintain their health as a reflection of the happiness they bring to us. There is no doubt that the loss of a pet hurts as much, and in many cases more than, the loss of many of the humans in our lives. We depend on them this much. As society grows more open via our handheld phone based computers and the endless flow of social content, we have become less social with humans and more satiated with our pets presence. Many of us went into vetmed, pet hoarding, animal rights/rescue/advocacy, back yard farming, and the like, to seek refuge from the harshness of people. Many of us just like animals better than people. People are painfully messy, and awkwardly sticky creatures whilst pets are perfectly ours.

The relationship we have with our pets is hugely impactful and elaborately delicate. This deeply adoring relationship has lead to a pet care market with ballooning revenues. Over the past two decades pet care based services have doubled to reach 5.8 billion dollars annually in the USA. This degree of growth has spawned a hailstorm of erupting opportunistic pet centered ventures.  It has led to financial gains of which we have never witnessed before. When vetmed transitioned from veterinarians in muck boots over green coveralls with its after 2 am $50 field calls to look at downed cows in far off fields, to multi-million dollar practice owners working for shareholders dividends. With this the emotional well-being of patients and their people morphed into economically driven profit-mongering options. When money like this influences lives there are few exceptions to compassionate driven care. The practice will make money on your pet even if it is just in euthanizing them, again for a healthy profit. Lives are disposable, replaceable, property. Lives, no matter how impactful to the people anchoring the other end of the leash, are collateral damages. Vetmed has been reduced into heartbreaking too often economically based treatment decisions to protect profits. Pet care has gotten itself so profitable that the cloying underbelly has grown greedy, ugly and insatiable. As the cost of care continues to skyrocket upwards, (be mindful they are not done yet), it will continue to shatter countless more lives along the way. 

Teddy.. and her dad,, who adores her

The once single doctor practices have grown into large multi-doctor hospitals. It used to be that your vets face was the face of the mission and purpose of the practice. You knew them and they were approachable and accountable for your pets care. Today, many practices are owned by someone, or a board of someone's, you will never meet, nor even be told about. Today practices are sold in the dead of night to people who live in bank accounts of billionaires. Today your pet is an asset in someone else's portfolio to be traded, sold, or squeezed at their discretion. This is what property bears. 

Many of the larger vetcare centers are being bought up by venture capitalists who now own much of the ER's and specialty clinics, (the really big money makers), which has created the foundation for a monopoly, (and been prosecuted for such), and escalated the cost of care in the process. The profession has lost its clients trust. We have lost the ability to communicate between the conflicts of property vs morality. And, we are unapologetic about our contributions to these dilemmas we have gotten ourselves into. Veterinarians are seeking never before conceived of compensation packages and being lured with multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars sign-on bonuses. We do so this a bravado that justifies as being "long overdue" without reflection on how this impacts our patients. To pay for these sign-on bonuses AND the formidable huge dividends the share holders require, the cost of everything they haven't conceded already has escalated to compensate. The latest, and not at all surprising escalation, is happening in the lab services department. Lab services is another way we can hide and escalate a cost and you won't know the difference, or be able to price shop elsewhere. The house is hungry, and the house needs more cash to keep the belly of the beast quiet. Lab services is that ever growing line items list after your pet is examined and before they are treated. Lab services in my veterinary hospital is the fat I trim to treat a patient before the finances are exhausted and economic euthanasia is the only affordable option left. Lab services is the BS the profession utilizes as "standard of care" to make our pockets deeper and your shame as a failed pet parent suffocating. 

The new found profits of vetmed has led to advancements of diagnostic and treatment options. These benefit our clients and patients immensely. While we all share much of the same biology and physiological functions, we now share the same human based treatment options. There are truly no boundaries to what we can treat, or do, when it comes to our beloved pets. While this is miraculous to the desperate pet parent seeking novel care options it is an ethical black hole of queries conjured previously only for sci-fi movie plots. (Go watch Altered Carbon, Jurassic Park, The Island, or Google Top Clone Movies). Unfortunately, this fact has also gotten lost in the quest for profits. We don't talk to our clients to understand who they are, and what their pet means to them. We are medical centers of unbiased, automatons who deliver estimates on paper two and three pages long. We don't start at the clients wishes and hopes, we start at our most profitable. We do not practice best medicine, we practice stockholder strategies. We take people at their most vulnerable and we shame them into spending more than most of them can, without regard to all of the myriad of ways we can both help heal and give clients a way to afford the minimum diagnostics to make the treatable affordable. The whole premise for providing people assistance in navigating a medical dilemma is rigged and stacked in our favor. We know it, we refuse to admit it, and we profit egregiously from it. It is power than euthanizes without hesitation nor culpability. 

Pocket. All two pounds of her. Her mom is protective
and gushingly devoted.

There isn't one veterinarian who wasn't taught to practice medicine via an understanding of a minimum database, and yet we are all collectively mute as a consortium so as to not tilt someone else's profitable apple cart as they try to make every patient visit as lucrative as possible. All in the name of "best practice." If our best practice is letting treatable pets die because we conveniently forgot to have open honest discussions at the collection of history and examination time, and not the long pregnant expectant pause of seeing if the client bites at the first (and let's be honest, always highest) estimate, then we are the problem regardless of how treatable the solution is. We must own this. In my opinion this is the fact that is killing us.

The house has you because you have nowhere else to go. The house also gets you at your most vulnerable for the most painful of all of the decisions you will have to make. Oh, and yes, we know you are out of your area of expertise, at the mercy of our prices, and without options to argue or negotiate (or at least you feel you are). I hear this over, and over, and over.

Birdie. My kitten who had to be quarantined for 4 months after her sibling tested positive for rabies.
How many of us would quarantine two kittens for four months while worrying about rabies?
The story here.

"It was midnight. My vet wasn't open. I didn't know what was wrong with my dog and I couldn't let her suffer until they opened the next morning. They took my dog to the back. They came out and gave me a paper with a dollar figure I was afraid might be the only way to save my pet. My head was spinning. I couldn't understand any of what they were saying. There seemed like no other options. I love my dog." 

My YouTube channel here. 

You can hear this example repeated by the thousands via the people who post on my YouTube channel, blog, or reach out to me directly. I know there are thousands more who have had the same experience. The house has you. You feel it, and you are so emotionally conflicted you cannot make sound decisions.

For all of these scenarios I ask two things; who did you talk to, and what did you sign? (More on this topic to come).

We, the collection of veterinarians who guard the gate to your pets access to veterinary care, will not permit passage without a price of admission that we see as suitable for the access to our healing hands. The house has the power. Your pets are still considered "property" under the law, and now that VC's are collecting record breaking revenues it's not going to concede or have a conscious awakening until the public forces their hands, challenges their intentions, or just plain old innovates a way out. It is the fundamental crux of every problem our patients suffer and die from. The house needs to start working in the patients favor, and that alone will be our collective salvation. 

Mavis and her mom. Didn't every vet go into vetmed because we were this kind of kid?

While the rest of the fringes of our profession taut insurance, third party billing, pet care wellness plans, low cost spay-neuter-vaccine clinics, and the transition of for profit to no profit as being the answer I will stand here firmly on my 20 years of private practice ownership and tell you that every time you think you alleviate one part of the dilemma another part shifts away from affordable while it drags accessibility with it. The system is rigged. It will remain this way as long as three things remain in place;

1. Pets are considered property. 

2. Pet care does not need to be open or transparent in its pricing. This is protected by every state veterinary medical board. What they fail to protect consumers in is their availability to be given options outside of the ER at 2 am. Someone should be addressing this.. see Pawbly.com

3. People in society continue to be as hateful, divisive and uncompassionate as we have become. The greater the divide in our empathy for one another the more we will turn to our pets for emotional refuge. We all are pet loving people. It is time to remind ourselves this.

This girl was the first girl who required a whole lifetime of my courage to intervene on her behalf.
Courage only matters when the cost calculation requires you to put someone else first.
Here's to all of the other Sadie's out there who never get what they need because a veterinarian isn't brave enough to put there license where their mouth is.

While I will not argue that vaccinations and spaying/neutering are not vital to preserving your pets health, I need to remind you that the care you receive in a well, young healthy state are not the things that are likely to cause you to be forced to chose euthanasia as the only economically feasible treatment option available to you at 2 am. As the cost of care climbs into the stratosphere where only private billionaire rockets can take you there will only be three options left;

1. People elect euthanasia because it seems the only affordable option available and we need to feel good about giving up by labeling it "ending suffering". (Please see my article on the Power Of Consent below).

2. As the vetmed sector grows profitable it attracts investors. Investors are about one thing, profits. When you tilt the service of care into profits there is shrinking margins for compassion. Where one revenue stream drives up (pharmacy, food, preventatives) another is exploited, today lab services, tomorrow surgical intervention/specialties. 

3. People get their hearts shattered by the system that holds their emotional glue together and in its grip, and they never get another pet again. The damage has been done to the point of extinction.

There are often numerous low cost options for the lowest hanging fruit at affordable and even accessible costs, (spay/neuter clinics and vaccine clinics.. all high volume and therefore competition based low cost), but you pay for that with the loss of something you will need far more down the line like that emergency 2 am pyometra surgery. That cost has gone from expensive ($1500-$2,500 a decade ago to $18,000 at one clinic I saw).

Tilly after her spay. She was surrendered because she had four blind puppies.
Her breeder gave her up when she was no longer profitable.
She deserves better, she will get it. We will make sure of that.

In the last decade the veterinarians have lost two key pieces of our revenue pie. We lost our solitary foothold on in clinic prescription medications and preventatives to the likes of 1-800-online and then food to chew-on-me and I'll send you a painting when your pet dies, who can provide these at lower cost and still never have to go to vet school. Vets conceded an easy 30% of our revenue stream to innovators outside of our profession. Over this time a cascade of vet care specialists blossomed. For the benefit of our patients many once in clinic services are now farmed out to vet specialists; think cardiology, neurology, surgery, dermatology, and general practitioners have lost another big money piece of the pie. 

There is a lot of self-justifying puling these days on the vet forums. They all too often are intended for the clients we have failed, and, therefore are likely falling on deaf ears. We have tried to seek empathy for our suicide statistics. Others beg for understanding wrt our over crowded exam rooms and appointment scheduling access. A few spew a banter to remind parents that "pets are a responsibility/privilege, not a right." Which is my personal favorite. I feel it is quite likely the most obnoxiously hateful based arrogance ever muttered. We love animals as much as our clients do. Why would we ever use that as fuel? Now there is an article being circulated to compare the cost of a human knee surgery to a dogs. Can we reiterate the cost of medical liability, lifespan, and macrophagic greed going on with our counterparts on the human side? Why are we so intent on justifying costs when we have boatloads of data that support the fact that if you want to call property "property" (i.e. limited liability and we can all dispose of our pets anytime we want to, which vets will defend until their dying breath). It is not a valid comparison for so many reasons I feel we are ever obvious entitled morons to share it.  If any of us can remember that we are all here to "solemnly swear to use my scientific knowledge and skills for the benefit of society, through the protection of animal health and welfare, the prevention and relief of animal suffering," then why has it all become about how much money we make and not how can we help each other. They are not ever going to be anything but mutually vital for the other half to survive.

Holy crap the degree to which I can pick this apart.. 🙄

Here's what you can do to have some tipping of the cards in your favor; 

Know who owns the practice. This includes your primary care provider, your local ER, and the specialists you are sent to. If the same group owns the whole lot you should be very concerned about how much you are paying for everything you are recommended. Do you routinely get sent somewhere else for services, especially surgeries? It is not an uncommon practice to have your vaccines and the other most very basic services done at the primary care facility and everything else referred. What is the cost difference for a simple mass removal (and the majority are very simple) done at a private practices office and one been done at a specialty referral surgical facility (hint; about $2,000, or more). If every single pet loving parent walked out of the corporate owned practices the landscape would shift dramatically. For every pet parent who says "I stayed because I like my vet," I need you to ask them what they can do for you when the cost of your emergency care, mass removal care, enucleation, splenectomy, etc is soo astronomically high you have to euthanize your pet. If they say get pet insurance because I like my sign-on bonus more than I like saving savable lives, leave. Being loyal shouldn't mean having your heart broken when you realize your vet isn't on your pets side when it really counts. 

Wellness plans are also stacked in the houses favor. Ask about a Pet Savings Plan that is yours to use where you want it. My clinic offers one through VetBilling.com. Its yours for your pets care, I don't care where you need it.

Three years after the original 52 cats from the hoarding situation we helped with we still have reminders of what giving more than anyone expects can bring you.
More on this here.

I truly believe that good veterinary medicine is about saving lives, not making economic decisions because our student debt is so high and our sign-on bonuses were so grand. The problem does not reside in lack of insurance, lack of empathy for our off shore private vet school debt, our knee surgery costs comparisons, or our lacking reciprocal empathy for how hard our lives are while making shareholders millions of dollars in dividends, but simply in not reducing a treatable life to a replacement value chattel. We are the house. The house owes its residents the oath we took so many years ago.

I am so proud of who we are, and how much we give back.
We are a culture, a mission and we do well by doing good.
We are the heart of vetmed.

P.S. If you would like to have a better understanding of the cost of common lab services please see Pawbly Storylines section. Go to Pawbly.com Storylines.

Jasmine gets a hug after her spay.
Every pet here at JVC is family.

Upcoming topics to discuss: 

• Social workers in vetmed. When the emotional turmoil is so high you don't know what to do. When the emotions get soo overwhelming your adrenaline kicks in. When the system that is supposed to care doesn't you need a friend/ally on the inside to help you. For this reason some hospitals have started to follow the human hospital infrastructure plan and employ a social worker. Someone to help guide your emotional journey without the medical or financial interference and influence. 
• The spawning of "Zero Tolerance" has grown into our new veterinary fight song. Seems everywhere we go in the world these days there is friction. Animosity is borne of broken hopes and unrealized promises.
• What are some of the costs of veterinary care in my private practice?
• What are some of the items you need to ask your vet at your next visit?

What are your thoughts? I would love to hear them. Email me at krista@pawbly.com

P.S. because every time I post one of these I need to add a disclaimer. All comments are posted after approval, and all hate mail posts get posted, or reported. 

If you are a veterinary professional and you don't understand how big the divide is, and how harmful our actions have become please read the comments on my YouTube channel. I have been practicing for almost 20 years. I have never denied care based on cost. While I stand a very strong line on serving my patients above all else I do so with 100% transparency and all options on the table at every single visit. I also do not allow any unkind behaviors towards anyone; patients, staff, clients. This is the ranking in which we serve. Please see my other blogs,, and P.S.S. this blog is appropriately titled. I am an open book,, its not always picture-perfect.

What Am I Supposed To Do?

The question plays on repeat. Over, and over. And, over again.

It is inescapable. Perplexing, vexxing, and excruciating. All of these and sticky beyond excision. 

Nana, broken leg, ER advice; "surgery 10k, or euthanize"
my advice; "cage rest" 
she is alive and doing well today because her dad refused to have only two options for her

There are fixable veterinary problems all around me. In my effort to provide exposure to these treatable and yet often ignored veterinary issues, encouragement to face and fix them, I seem to have made myself the wailing post. I have become the beacon for hope and last place for help when there is none to be found at the footsteps of present veterinary provider. 

My question isn't why I have become this person, my question is how do I keep from becoming the only vet who cares enough to put the patient before the profits and the fear?

And all of those blocked cats..

I have spent a great deal of  time asking me how I got here? Why I feel so alone here, and what the hell I do about it? 

I have spent so much time in the problem that I cannot walk away. I cannot shutter it, suffocate it, stow it, or sacrifice it. I am in it, wholly and without reserve. 

What would you do if you knew there were answers, some of them ridiculously easy to solve,  answers that would save lives, save human hearts from being crushed, and right a wrong that just grows more egregious as it  consumes the caring around it.

What do I do?

And all of those PU surgeries

Today it was another desperate plea. A question on the Pawbly, the pet care site asking for help. They are always the same. 

"I love my pet. They are my whole world. They have this problem..... I have been to so many vets, no one cares. I saw your video. Is there anyway you can help me?" .. and there is always a photo. A photo of the pet. So sweet, innocent, and fragile and in desperate need. How do I turn away from those faces?  How do I stay in this profession if I sacrifice my ability to have compassion so strong it compels?

Babybear

Veterinary medicine is about taking care of animals. Somewhere along the day to day grind this got lost. It became about money, and egos, and trying to be bigger than our britches. We became distant from our purpose, and divided from our clients. When it was not profitable, or easy, or worth our time we blamed them, the clients, the people who make all of this possible. We used cruelty to remind pet parents that this illness, this unforeseen accident, disaster, (albeit treatable), isn't worth us intervening if they can't pay us handsomely for it. The cost of care has skyrocketed, the treatment for all of the ailments remains what it was decades ago when everything was a few  hundred dollars, or less. 

.. and so I remain here. Asking myself the same question and dedicated to finding, exposing, and disrupting the same problem.

Want to see what I am talking about?

See my YouTube channel 

or Pawbly.com 

The Futility Of It All. How Futility Fuels Empathetic Activism.

Serafina. Her story here 

The futility of it all is ubiquitous if you sit and think about any of it for longer than a moment. This appears to be true because just about everything imaginable can fall into the futility category. Just take a minute and think about a few examples.. You might  have to take a few steps back,, narrow, or widen, the focus, but, it's true.

Or, so I fear most days.

You will die,,, there's a big one. What the heck does it all matter if that is the final thought? Eat more cake. Watch more t.v.. Buy that expensive purse. Live larger, or, live longer,,, (which is it?). Can you do both? Isn't it all futile if a nuke lands in your back yard tomorrow?

It's futile to deny it.. All of it will end. Someday.

But, wait a minute, what about our pets? Those little delightful beings that drive us to do almost everything we so willingly have to do. Like waking  up early on those precious few days off, cleaning (yes, this includes diarrhea and vomit on the living room rug at 2 am, and, hair in every corner of every room). And, don't have to do.. like putting on a pretty dress for our eat-in dinner date together. I swear that my home lives by the motto: "I work hard so my cat doesn't have to." But, is all of this futile? My precious short time with them? My deep adoration toward them? Am I alone in this singular thought that NO! It isn't! They are my life,, certainly that can't be futile? Can it?

Pawbly is the place I chose to put my excess futile efforts outside of my too often also arguably already futile vet practice. (Futility meets its maker on an even larger scale. Yipppeee!). I can't follow any current vet practice ownership model. They have all become too calculating on how to make more money, how to lure more client visits, manage your practice better so it is more efficient AND more profitable. Listen to the experts, embrace the real facts that some people just shouldn't have a pet if they cannot afford them.. we after all are vets, we know everything,,, we should decide who lives and dies and who deserves companionship... yeah, I'm not this person... it's futile for me to try.

Poe. His story here.

There are endless debates about the futility of vet medicine. It is jarring to think about how futile that whole long four years of vet school is as the foundation of ice cream is to its banana creme sundae of my daily futile veterinary life. At least that's what it feels like in this profession on some days. Do you know how many times a day that I have to plead for a patient because I am certain that their treatment will NOT be futile? Or, how many times I have to look at an animal knowing I cannot alter the path they are on already because life as they know it is futile at this juncture. Never mind the even more futile and heart crushing cases that I can intervene on behalf of and SAVE but aren't given the chance to! Yes, I feel like my life, whole veterinary existence, is futile far too often.

For many clients the futility of their pets medical options might be financial constraints, personal issues that preclude ability to preform the treatment or an intervention task needed, or, the awful reality that life is replaceable, expendable, an economic equation, perhaps not just the current status of their health but perhaps their entire existence, and the utter lack of seeing our life as a reflection of others. That's when futility makes this veterinary life almost impossible to bear any longer.

Fripp and Storm. My puppies. Their story here.

The problem as I see it is that whatever I might know, or want to utilize to assist or intervene on behalf of, dish and dole to those who find me, and the importance of life as I see it, is futile when that patients care, or ability to access it is decided by someone lacking the ability to see their life as anything more than, well you know already; futile.

Can you see the dilemma?

The face. The cases you never forget.

It's not the ending of a life at its end from some debilitating destructively devastating disease that rips you to shreds. It's the ending a life at its most vulnerable time of needing me, the vet, to intervene for them and being unable to that makes it all feel futile. Hence, Pawbly. Try to offer more help to more people and deliver it to them for free, (which by the way it most certainly isn't).

Storm. His first appearance here.

It hits me pretty hard on occasion. This dance between navigating selfish decisions, suffering, economics, and easy street to avoid feeling anything. Then the smack in the face of futility wakes me. Pets are at the mercy of people too often. People are governed by motives I cannot always alter. People don't want to be decided for, and far too often they can't see their pets, their dilemmas and their place in altering courses like I can. Futile to try to convince, futile to push, plead, beg, and not permitted to coerce,,, futile.

Serafina.. futility at its best.

Going into every pet related situation as a veterinarian with my automatic assumption that my clients, (I say "my" because I do have invested ownership in them,, I know most other vets say 'the' (always pay attention to grammar,,, imperative of these is the choice of the noun. "Mine" is non-binary, we are all safe with "mine" ,,, use it, mean it, small soapbox diversion ended now),  is setting me up for problems, inevitably. There is this invisible line that seasoned vets learn to nimbly maneuver. Act like the patients best friend if the client can pay, send them to specialists, offer best practice medicine, charge premium for all of it, or, act like the bearer of compassionate euthanasia as their next best option if they can't. Appear to care, but decide who is worthy of our time and expertise based on financial ability first, deem the remaining as futility cases otherwise. Doesn't work for the patient all the time does it? What if I tried to always side with what was best for my patient? Albeit I might be biased, and, I might possess a more tempered professionally honed medical lens to decide who is and isn't likely to live a little longer. What if I just decided that I was my patients advocate and stuck to my guns about it regardless of the finances? Seems easier to tip-toe through this way with a client who might just think that medicine, my whole purpose is just futility dressed up in a white coat. Well, not so fast. I know many a financially sound client who uses a date, age, disease, length of  expected treatment plan, and even degree of personal involvement in said treatment plan, who opts to get another pet as this one doesn't meet their "acceptability" standard any longer. That argument, that plea to intervene on the patients behalf, leaves me with a patient of my own to try to rehome (which oddly has been easier than I assumed), or, a furious client because I am "not honoring their wishes." (Umm, does the pet have a wish? Can I ask? please?).

My Fripp. Found in a box on the side of the road.
If that almost didn't kill her a week in the shelter for her mandatory hold period almost did.

In a deep conversation with the smartest, most successful person I know, the topic of my pet project Pawbly came up. In one second of air sucking despair he gave it to me. The complete futility in the ridiculousness of a business that even a philanthropist would balk at as they dis-considered it. There it was, the perspective of extending compassionate for free care gone, evaporated, scoffed at. Futility Be Mine.

Futile efforts to herd the vacuum.

How interdependent are we all on each other? That's the question I often ask myself as the dog and cat mom to my family. Beauty, in all its intricate delicacy fades. Love herself is futile if you don't jump in and let yourself be brave enough to surrender to it. Be courageous enough to have your heart broken. Willingly. That's the aphrodisiac to futility. There is futility in caring. It will fall away from your fingertips. Leave you. And, yet I stand here stethoscope ready for the next set of futile feet to patter in or fall upon my compassionate driven threshold.

Poe

I wander in futility for the opportunity to be met by that every so often occasion where intervention matters, recognized or not. That one little soul who meanders in to my clinic, or, my website, and is able to depart better than they arrived. That one play that shifts the deck in their favor. The win in a sea of losses. The sheer joyful moment where what I have chosen to do with my life matters. The admission that this moment exists outside of every moment of every day where my beloved companions; Charlie, Storm, Fripp, Wren, Jitterbug, Oriole, and Magpie reside. That place where butterflies are air suspended floating winged fairies. Frogs are coins leaping in a fountain, and a new glorious sunrise is at the end of every nap. That omnipresent yearning where bellies are always anxiously awaiting the next treat in the many forms they find them, and nestling fur remains snuggled close the my laying legs with a reassuring resting fingertips to remind them they are safe here. It is the life I choose, futile amongst the otherwise.

Serafina

As for my largest futile effort, Pawbly, it still matters to me. This wanderlust idea that a place I created can transform a culture into acceptance that we got a few things wrong in our fear to protect our profitability. The futileness in believing that pets matter more then the dictionary portrays them as. That they are our beloved family. Our furred little ones. The idea that our lives are meaningful to each other, and worth the heartbreak the loss will cost us. That believing you can continue to try is worth the heart you wear on your white coated lapel. Profitable or not it's futile to try to take it with you.

The futility is in the trying to get through life without pain, disappointment, or solitude. The futility is denying  that empathy and love solves them all.

Anyone want a feral cat?
Sure,, meet Muffins, one of our JVC kitties.

Here's to endless practicing in futility! The bitter disappointment to futility's attempts to sway my little chips into its magnanimous suit of armor.

And proving myself wrong. That none of this is futile. It's futile to try.

Taking Frippie home.

Related Blogs;

Find What Breaks Your Heart. Why I do what I do in my veterinary practice.

Borrowing Battery Juice. How I utilize the lack of compassion I see too much of as a source of strength.

Affordable Options Are Everyone's Right. Difficult cases, expensive care and how I manage the tenuous cases that present.

The Turtle and the Unicorn. Entrepreneurialism in Veterinary Medicine. My way.

The Year of Year Around Care. Transparency in Jarrettsville Veterinary Center. How we changed the face of our practice to benefit our patients.

If you are interested in help for your pet and don't know where to go please find us here at Pawbly.com. It is a free online community dedicated to educating and inspiring pet people everywhere. It is free to use and open to everyone.

I can also be found at Jarrettsville Vet in Harford County Maryland. Visit our Facebook page here, or see our online Price Guide at our website jarrettsvillevet.com

Find What Breaks Your Heart AND Change It. How Imposter Syndrome Battles Compassion Fatigue

There is this pervasive gnawing of vulnerability following me. I'm running without the time to look back to see their red eyes of furious feverish pursuit hunting us, while in my arms lies some sick-dying desperate soul to save. It is always the same dream. All on me, all alone and fleeing.

In the trade we call it "imposter syndrome". Any mortal who is honest with themselves and humble in the magnitude of this profession understands that we cannot be everything to everyone and yet also be expected to hold the bar to the scrutiny of the specialists should the shit hit the fan.

At some point the dam breaks and you accept that you can only be true to your own sense of ability meets inability. You also learn to always be honest, inside and out. After that the cards fall where they will and you go on.

I have lived about 10 years as a veterinarian between insecurity-hugging-imposter AND activist-holding-up-compassionist. Quite a dichotomy. Plato's symposium meets my real-life. I can only be pulled into two different directions for so long. Every two headed-four legged sideshow freak suspended in formalin died for the same reason; at some point either one half dies, or they both do.

There is not one day that we aren't reminded how fragile life is and how many suffer just to survive.
One of 17 feral cats we are trying to save in the middle of a harsh winter this kitten weight 2.5 pounds and is over 6 months old. She should weigh at least three times that. Instead parasites, pneumonia and fighting for resources has stunted her to this state. Could you walk away? 
After all there are thousands, millions (?) just like her.

There are quotes of inspiration that transition into motivation. If you dwell long enough they can even convert your unsettled  inertia into purposeful kinetic momentum. I am one of those people. I don't like the sidelines. I don't wait for a coach to blow the whistle of permission to enter the game. Sunday I euthanized half of the patients I saw for the day. Quite the statistics to drive my point home. Death waits for no one. You can grow old, decrepit, and exhausted waiting for permission.

"Find out what breaks your heart, and do whatever you can to fix it." Abby Wambach. 

If I were one of the tattoo yielded kids I would have it emblazoned on my wrist. (You know the web-slinging place of Wonder Woman days.)

My heart breaks every single day that I am in practice. There isn't one day where we aren't faced with the reality of the state of our profession. People need us and we are not there for them. These people LOVE their pets and are desperate to help them. They get faced with closed door after closed door of unwillingness to even speak to them, never mind offer real meaningful care. It is the example of the desertion of humanity at its most basic. For me it is the most classic day-to-day reminder of how broken our society is. The smallest and weakest always suffer far beyond the wealthiest's purview. They land here, in our doorway, begging, every single day. To turn my back on them is torture, there is no denying their existence and yet there is no time to try to negotiate the terms to resolution.

I am left with a soapbox, a desperate call for action, and a profession who has come to terms with the divide between responsibility, profit, and castigation. It breaks my heart. It propels me to act and it leaves me vulnerable as the scale overflows my practices ability to hear the cries from below.

Maddie. My muse.
The source of the inspiration that broke my inertia.

This shadowed mob of lynch men is real. If you don't think that we live in an angry hateful world ask whoever is on the other side of your political affiliation. We are not so tolerant of the other side. It weakens us all. The system doesn't like change. It fears disruption as a vulnerability deserving of inoculation, eradication and excision.

If I am not heartbroken by the indifference that is so overwhelmingly pervasive in our professional culture I would be both an imposter and a liar. There is a point where you get pulled apart and die from collateral damage to the host. How can I kill the girl who still gives a damn, remain sitting on the sidelines waiting for the pandemic of indifference shored up by excuses and vitriol to blame the other half to win?

If the statistics were available my point would be fueled by a mob so great the profession would fracture into its own broken system of public health practices and couture clinics. The non profits would start dominating the landscape at a precedence the corporate practices would take note of. If the advent of the human medicine minute-clinics restructured access to quick affordable basic care the high volume-low cost practices diversify to meet the need. The walls of secret hidden price schemes based primarily on lack of access and professional pursed lips will fall. If epi-pens were met by lawsuits and lynchings the vet profession better start looking inward.

Let's take some examples; if there is a 90% cure rate with medical intervention in urethral obstructions what is the economic euthanasia rate? How do we justify this growing statistic of unaffordable care when nothing about the treatment plan has changed? How do we answer the public when the cost of this treatment has escalated from less than $800 to over $4,000 in a decade? The difference is corporate profit.

There are inherent rights to every living thing;
1. They all are in the same race. Live and perpetuate living. It is fundamental and undeniable.
2. Action and inaction have consequences.
3. Inner truth is the only salvation to inner peace..

What are you willing to lose in an effort to remain whole? It is a question I ask myself every day as I try to outrun and outlast the mob at my heels.

Like every other civil movement there is a groundswell of people demanding change. For me, in this movement to return medicine to the place of compassionate discussions focused on patient care, and not corporate profits, it is a return NOT a redirect. It will take a war of anger, heartbreak and unwillingness to tolerate the system as it stands, or has evolved into, before the negotiating will begin. In the end the indifference for profit will never prevail. I don't care if this is over "property" and responsibility. It is about love, companionship, and ultimately our ability to recognize that each species, and all beings within these species, need each other.

Where am I? Just swimming against a tide of forgotten little guys still trying to save every single wet nose and still fighting for their tiny voices to be heard with a sea of sharks behind me.

What is my soapbox going to get? A voice on a stage with a megaphone to amplify the stories of the souls we have forgotten to serve. There is a change looming on the horizon, a mob who will have to answer some tough questions, and a whole population of under served who will have their day of reckoning.

What breaks your heart?

And what are you doing about it?

August. Found as a stray at the shelter with a broken femur.
Recovering with us and looking for a home.
She's the most precious kitten!

If you are interested in help for your pet and don't know where to go please find us here at Pawbly.com. It is a free online community dedicated to educating and inspiring pet people everywhere. It is free to use and open to everyone.

I can also be found at Jarrettsville Vet in Harford County Maryland. Visit our Facebook page here, or see our online Price Guide at our website jarrettsvillevet.com