I have a dream.
It includes happy people, AND, their happy, healthy pets.
Let's call it a fairy tale in real-time. A hope to manifest into a novel, a Hallmark movie,, or maybe just crazy happy vets who create within the chaos.
![]() |
| Cookie.. Oh, How I love this girl! She is one of my "why's" I love vetmed. |
My dear friend Carroll, just passed away. It was an accidental, totally unexpected, tragedy. He had a peanut allergy, went to Applebee's, ordered dessert, (because he ALWAYS ordered dessert, like we all should ALWAYS do), and realized as he was leaving that he was having an allergic reaction. He drove himself across the street to the Urgent Care. The brand new, totally unequipped for a full blown emergency, and checked in. At the desk he lost consciousness. He was revived in the back, and died 30 mins later. That is it. The whole transition took minutes. In less than an hour he was his effervescent, jovial, chummy, vibrant, ever-smiling self, and minutes later; gone. I had been to his house the week before. We had plans. He was my every-other-weekend bestie. I gave him a hug hello and goodbye every single time I saw him. No one smiled as big as he did when he saw me. That is the kind of friend you adore. That is the kind of friendship that takes decades in adult time to grow.
His wife, Linda, also my dear friend, died equally unexpectedly, during a routine outpatient procedure at the best equipped, most capable hospital you could hope for. She was having a percutaneous liver biopsy. I know that she was nervous going into, but, she was nervous going into everything. Living, and waking up, made her nervous. Her procedure was supposed to be done in under an hour. The whole quick little in-and-out visit done under sedation and ultrasound guidance. In dogs and cats we do it in a 30 minute time slot and injectable sleepy-time sedation. Linda woke up from that procedure, her blood pressure fell quickly, she coded and they took her to surgery. They spent 7 hours trying to stop the bleeding of her friable, completely cancer riddled, liver. After 7 hours in surgery the doctors came out to Carroll to say that they had done all they could do. They woke her up to say goodbye to Carroll. This last sentence kills me. This last sentence has been a recurrent topic of dilemma, deliberation, and constant anguish about what I would do in this situation?
I think that what it comes down to, is....
Don't wake me up.
We were days away from land. I was second mate, (prob supposed to be in caps,,,whatever) on the bridge in my pressed (they were always pressed) khaki uniform. Long polyester, knife like front pleats, black socks, black polished shoes, (we called them coframs, although my brain remembers them first as Chloraforms,, bc I am supposed to be a biologist not a soldier), hair in a tight bun, pressed pleated two front pocket, short sleeved khaki shirt,, and the webbed khaki belt (another story for another time), brass buckle included. I remember talking to the helmsman, a young new recruit on the center wheel. We had a ships wheel where an unlicensed crew stood four hour watches with the officers. I was standing behind him talking,, I don't remember anything else. I remember being forced to wake up, and being soo angry. "Why, WHY, WHY!! are they waking me up. This is the best sleep of my life!" Turns out I had fainted. I hit the deck, yess a steel deck, so hard I woke up the Captain in his bed below me.
I was deaf for three days. I couldn't stand, or, open my eyes for 2 days. Do not faint on a ship unless someone is standing beside you ready to catch you. Nothing is soft there.
I have had surgery multiple times. One was to remove 13 masses from my breasts. I went down two bra sizes. I had to meet with the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon at the pre-op. I was in my hospital gown, cap, and under multiple warm, bleached white blankets. I told the surgeon to take out everything they thought might be a problem. My mom had breast cancer and I believe in preventative care. I told the plastic surgeon to tidy up whatever was left, try to give me a matching pair and call it a day. I don't care about size. I just wanted clean/cancer free leftovers. As I was waking up I only remember being angry. I was angry that I was being woken up. Wherever I was, under that cloud of general anesthesia, I was happy. It was gloriously wonderful there.
Should I meet an unexpected, tragic, twist of fate, please don't wake me up. Please let me go.
In the meantime, I still have a dream. I want to build a life full of stories, around pets and their people. I want to have my own volume, (or two), of stories that revolve around living a life full of chaos, color, and characters. I belong in vetmed, but, I am more than a veterinarian. A storyteller, an artist, and an advocate. BUT, there is time to weave stories in between the heartbeats of the dogs and cats.
Carroll and Linda had a general store that they filled with other peoples stories. It is a magical place of dust, poor overhead lighting, questionable wiring, and charm that only age can deliver. The store has fallen into a place where its next chapter is facing a blank book. I can't remove myself from this store. These stories. This place that is my home and has lost so much of its early history.
I'm spending the moments away from the vet clinic wondering if there is a second chapter, another book of stories for me to fill, weave, witness? Can I live this life harder, bigger, fuller, and still love every single second of it?
Can I be both? Can I do both? Why am I misplacing my dream while I await my own tragic end?
Maybe its time for a long coffee and a long day of creating more stories? Maybe its time for all of us to live every life inside this one we have today?






















.jpeg)
.jpeg)













