Alone in the Jungle

Alone in the jungle.. How often does everyone else feel like this? I suspect, (dare I say, hope?), that it is most. Otherwise I think that I might truly be all alone in this deserted jungle? (And how crappy would that be!)? Why do we, (or, at least me?), seek solace in knowing the rest of the boat is in the same boat with us?

Day One, USMMA plebe line-up. Second Company 1987

Maybe the grown up me just hasn't totally accepted the rest of me as "all I need?"

Why do so many of us feel so alone? And, with that, isn't that exactly why so many love their pets so intensely? If that presumption holds true then why do I feel so alone, and all alone, in my profession? I have somewhere along the way learned that I am less abandoned and more appreciated by my clients than my colleagues. (How many other vets feel this way?). I know there are vets out there sighing a sad despair-a-tive exhale with that admission. The vet profession has become a gaggle of cohorts all protecting each other from the demons lurking in the self prescribed pink juice. There are collectives who have your back regardless of your shortcomings, mistakes, or inadequacies. You just have to be a vet and they have your back. Right? Well, maybe for the other vets. But, for the small group of us not in the in-crowd it's an existence of cosmic outpost inhabitancy. You are really, really alone if you pick your clients side over your professions allegiance. What if you are the poor Schmuck who still likes your patients better than your clients and your colleagues,,, well, then you are totally fucked. What if on top of all of that you are a vegetarian,,, well, there isn't a category for that, fucked, alone, pariah. Great. 

Droog shelter, Alexandria Ukraine, 2022

That's me, totally unequivocally alone. And yet I still sit here in my dingy throwing out life preservers to the gulls passing by offering quiet applause and anonymous cheers. Last week I spoke to an internal medicine expert who said to me, "I wish you luck, this one is not going to be easy, or make you any friends." Thanks, just what I needed to hear. 

Storm, blissful in the buttercups

I wonder if my legacy will just become the Ralph Nader of the vet med profession? I wonder if I will take any kind of joy in that title? Can't anyone else see that our misery might just lie right next to our denial? Why aren't we all just on our patients side, if you know we need to pick a side? Why not them? I think it's because the us gets in the way of the them? Doesn't anyone but me see they are one in the same if you just open your lids a bit more? Who says you can't do everything for them, our patients, and not have it come back to you in spades? Or, I just have to convince myself that alone is ok, I'm not going to like myself if I try to make my colleagues like me. I'm not going to have patients that purr, wag, or cuddle me in those quiet places that we spend together. They look at me with enough gratitude to make up the chasm of difference that the profession can't fill. it is enough, it has always been enough.

Here's to being alone, saving every goddamn blocked cat and pyometra dog that my colleagues turn away. Those dogs and cats deserve a chance, a palliative nuance of possibility, and an advocate who's lonely. 

Always kiss the cat goodnight

Here's to intention having merit. Self-preservation being empowering, and lastly here's to all of the vets out there throwing stones and not able to look in the mirror at the faces of the skeletons in their own closets. 

Chief Mate CS Global Mariner, 4th of July cookout.

Here's to the Fourth of July meaning just a little bit more to us that feel alone, and a world of possibilities if we all start living a life of freedom instead of loneliness. 

rsity doesn't Include Inclusion. The Division In Vet Med That Exists When We Talk About Access To Care, And Vegans

 

The world reminds us to look inward and ask ourselves how we, the little tiny ant of the mound that is this planet, influence the behaviors of the rest. Now, at this time when the pandemic wanes, the invasion of Ukraine dominates the news, and the ever-increasing faces of color peppering the professional rags and conferences reminds us that others should not no longer be marginalized, and the Supreme Court further divides the able from the oppressed, I wonder how far have we really come? For the many in vet med who refuse to recognize the invisible challenges, countless extra steps, and years (if not decades) of extra that are required to be seen, never mind deemed, a ‘colleague” there is no possible way we will convince them of the patterns, biases, and inherent hate that too many above inflict on too many below.

Diversity only happens when one oppresses the other, or a chair is pulled from the table to invite another in peaceful kindness. I don’t see a lot of this in vet med. I have rarely if ever, and 30 years in, I still do not. Even with the diversity we are inheriting amongst us.

For my own journey in getting into veterinary school I know that being white left options others didn’t have. I admit it with humility and shame. I was allowed, or more aptly granted permission, because I was a white woman with an anomaly. I had a path behind me that set me apart. I was already established in a career overwhelmingly dominated by men, and making more money than anyone in my vet school admission interview. That simple fact left me unafraid to break glass ceilings, dig my steel toed boots in, and stand strong face to face challenging them to exclude me. It worked. It worked at the academy I went to college for, the sea life I spent working in for 10 years, and the getting into and out of vet school. It has not, however worked for the life after graduation from vet school. I would still call myself a pariah of this profession. I am not wanted, nor welcomed IF I chose to be true to who I am. I am not alone here, but, we are not big enough, loud enough, or protected by any organized facet of the society we live in. I would most compare it to a religious sect without federal recognition, save for the fact that assigning a religious undertone is equally disgusting.

I wonder if this is the rejection of diversity, or, the lack of inclusion? I wonder how much the division, exclusion, and alienation empowers versus subdues?

I was speaking to a friend affiliated with the profession. He is not a veterinarian. He, like every other human who is not a veterinarian, is flummoxed by the assertive defensiveness that is elicited when I show my face in a veterinary forum. I am not included, often harassed, and I often wonder if it has made me stronger and more contentious about staying within the ranks and file as complicit in our negligence and neglect that so often leads to suffering and death? How often do we look away when a patient needs us but cannot afford our compassion? How often do we deny them of analgesics when all else has been declined, or become too expensive to provide? Why aren’t we charged with the same awful labels we denigrate our negligent, too poor to be privileged with a pet, lacking in responsibility to warrant pet ownership, it’s not a right labels? Why aren’t we taking some of the blame? Why do we still wonder why the public has become so enraged by our lack of compassionate access to affordable care?

In my opinion we have to stop trying to explain why our life is so hard that we cannot be kind and understanding to other people’s struggles. We have to take ownership in the fact that the cost of our care is priced out of much of America’s ability to pay for it. Maybe we should start explaining how $100,000 sign on bonuses aren’t a part of the problem? Maybe we should keep trying to convince heartbroken pet parents that the life saving surgery their pet needs would cost 10-100 times what it does in the human forum. That will settle the angry masses, right? No, it won’t. It doesn’t matter what kind of excuses, deflections, blame and accusations we make, we are creating a profession that increasingly only serves the wealthy, which in this country is still the white and the fortunate. We are not opening our inclusion to anyone; we are increasingly excluding the people and the pets who need us most. We cannot try to become a profession where everyone is welcome just because we all share a love for pets when we alienate so many on both ends of the leash.