Diary of a Real-Life Veterinarian: Reflection's In The Sea Glass

Morning writing time with Birdie

The sunshine beaming in my windows delivers just enough warmth to remind me that Spring is right around the corner. I am at home in Southern Pa., close to the Maryland border. It is the last week of February. The tail end of Winter's quiet. The peaceful transition from snowy, sleepy, slumber to the bright burgeoning of the colorful explosion of Spring life. There are a few birds congregating outside my window at the feeder I fill daily. They sing songs of cheerful excitement, catching up on free pickings as if prepping the internal organs for the demand ahead that perpetuating a new generation demands. They skip quickly from the evergreen branches to the feeder weary of a hawk that stands guard above. Even she has an internal clock that ticks and gnaws for the fledglings she must soon create and cultivate. The grass on our lawn sprawls widely on each side with its cropped-tight, still silver-grey veiled surface. Below its feet lies a vibrant spring-greenery hidden safely by the frozen ground soaking up this sunshine while gathering momentum for the weeks that lay just ahead. These are the days between the seasons. The days I run to a warmer place, for just a few days, to avoid the clutches of the Winter doldrums that living in the north forces us to endure.

We arrived home very late last night after a long day of travel from abroad. The five of us; my husband Joe, sister Diedra, and her two boys; Cody and Anthony, went on our second end-of-February trip together to Grand Bahama Island. Grand Bahama Island is a small speck of land, (or atoll as Joe would correct me), that lies just off of the southern tip of Florida. Grand Bahama is replete with sand skirts and coral outcroppings yet oddly quiet all day everyday that the cruise ships aren't berthed to her. Grand Bahama is close, but the travel to and from isn't ever easy, nor, effortlessly quick. The total air time amounted to a scant 3 hours, but our travel time encompassed more than 16. We all got up early to leave our villa by 8 am. Packing took up most of the night before. After a week at the beach our rooms looked like a teenage summer away with clothes, snacks, wrappers, billowing attempts to air dry bathing suits and a cascade of make-shift dive gear strewn between two adjoining rooms. We had booked the rooms with a shared door to allow for the adults to awaken early and the boys to sleep in as per their preferred daybreak sunlight avoidance preferences.

Seven days of expeditions upon sand and we were left with a massive collection of seashells and sea glass to discern/decide, divvy up and divide. Suitcases were repurposed to stow coral encrusted fans and sea-bitten detritus home. The yearly challenge to jettison the unvalued in exchange for the newly found, albeit decades old treasures the sea coughed up for us. We travel here, for this bounty. It is inevitably always the most enjoyable moments of our time there.

The adult section of this entourage wakes up for each sunrise, makes our own percolator coffee, (which we make room for in the packing process to also include our preferred variety of oat milk and miniature grater for fresh cinnamon and nutmeg), always packing enough for the allotted days abroad. Every morning is the same. Up for sunrise, fresh hot cup of coffee in hand, open door to beach to pepper the unmarked sand with our foot prints. We never have to share the beach, or wish another human a "good morning" greeting. We are always alone, and, always plotting the rest of our day ahead. We may have a resident feline with us, and, we welcome their company with great enthusiasm. There are always four or five resident cats here. They appear early in the morning looking for a kind hand of affection, or late in the afternoon seeking a hand-out from the snack hut patrons. They are always young, in early stages of pregnancy, and always bearing the shaved back-ends from over aggressive grooming to keep the fleas at bay. We stop behind the tiki hut bar to make sure the food we scavenged from the previous day, and left before we went to bed, has been taken by the stray dogs that live in the woods behind the abandoned (due to lack of business), HR trailer. Everyday is a copy of the one before; wake, sunrise, grind beans, brew coffee, grate cinnamon and nutmeg, sip, stroll, plan. After the coffee is emptied we dress to go for a run, or to bike to the beach. We always pack a mesh bag to stow whatever treasures we find.

The resort is a gated beach of rambling pastel colored villas scattered across a massive, mostly forgotten, landscape. This place has a long history of chances, intentions, allure, and lost dreams. There are miles and miles of empty beaches. Running along them are paved roads with overgrown, unkempt, planted palm trees, lamp posts (most missing their globes), stop signs, traffic directives, and gutted electric boxes, sewer plates and four buildings. Ten skeletons of homes remain standing. All strewn about the 600 acres of land that stretches from one shore to the other. It is so mind boggling how so much could be built, at such great expense, and have so little to last to show for it. There is an infrastructure of cut canals, golf course, club house and one single home about 80% complete surrounded by nothing. A cemetery of dreams built by a wealth of intentions that fell so tragically hard it is impossible to believe. We wander these roads, these beaches and we reflect on how immense a mistake this was. A billion dollar debacle 4 decades old. These beaches are awash with glass, ceramics and parts of machinery almost unrecognizable. Whole train engines are buried under sand with piston pock marks left as their only identifiable feature. Over 10 years I have collected suitcases of these beaches lore. Many still bear the names of the developers initials, or the resorts names. Some are almost 100 years old. There are so many stories washing up here and I collect them with a curiosity that compels. This is what beaches beckon to me for. A stroll and a collection of trinkets some man made and others sea borne. All with a story unto themselves. They are my treasure, but they began as someone else's dreams.

The point is that I travel far away to rummage through the decades old of castaways of lost, shattered hopes, and massive work efforts gone debunk. Curiously, (and let's be honest concerningly), I am not sure what I am building, or, if any of it will stand the test of time? Maybe all of my efforts will be left to fall into the sea only to be washed up to find some curious fingers in 2074? Perhaps this is all just fodder for reflective pondering of the hopes of one person among the tides of challenges that is inevitably a lifetime of intentions and a hope of longevity? Maybe all of this hard work, exhaustive effort that leads me to run away to far away islands is all futility in the end? Maybe even the biggest dreams, with the loftiest of intentions will end up as trinkets with soft edges, barely recognizable from the original pieces of remains the sea spills over and over onto the shores of harsh, inescapable mortality.

Jack Tarr, or jt

With each return home I am so grateful to be back in my own bed. I am so fortunate to have healthy cats who aren't licking/chewing/scratching to the point of balding on their bellies and backsides. Struggling to have another litter to support whilst scrounging for scraps from the tourists at the tiki bar. In the Bahamas there is an odd twist of fate. The dogs are largely roaming vermin and the cats are more likely to find a kind hand of offerings. Few dogs have a place within the home. A little more so are tied to a pole in the yard, but, the vast majority roam the side streets and stores flea infested, trailing pot-bellied worm gravid bellies and sad bleak faces of indifference based compassion. These souls break me. A constant reminder of how fortunate we are in this country in the vast places I live and frequent. Spaying and neutering is an inconceivable concept there. A way to deny freedom versus protect the high mortality that life on the streets presents.

One of the resident cats staking claim to the sunny spot on the bed

As we arrived on the island a storm erupting above us. We landed in turbulent cross winds that jarred the small plane like dice on a craps table. There were audible outbursts of muffled screams from the passengers caught off guard. We were relieved to have landed safely, but the adventure of reaching our destination was still laying ahead. Our efforts to secure our rental car in the torrential down pour left us soaked through within seconds. The ride from the airport was a constant reminder to "STAY LEFT" while traversing unmarked streets with absent signage. Had it not been for our phone maps we would have never made it outside of the airport parking lot. The downpours left us navigating overflowing unlit streets to find detours from the one road that headed to our end of the island. One 20 foot detour off of the main strip led us to a mixed litter of bobbing puppies and a pack of their parents intent on reminding us that we were not welcome here. Diedra and I decided we would rather risk drowning in the street puddle than traversing this motley angry gang. There was a heated argument on whether we could even safely turn around without running over a straggling starving puppy.

Life is like that in this part of the world. While blessed with beaches they are poor with interventional actions for the other inhabitants of the paradise isle.

As the off-mainland veterinary colleges sprout up in record numbers in adjacent islands the standard of living for the cats and dogs in their neighborhood improves markedly as they begin to receive out reach support for the vet students training purposes. Ask any vet school student from these institutions how many are brought home each year and the numbers will speak for themselves. Why are so many colleges being built? Two reasons; there is a desperate shortage of veterinarians, and, they are highly, (much easier to get accredited and more lucrative than the human doctor factories), profitable. Kids will go into astounding, unrecoverable debt to go to vet school. We are hounds to a bone with blind oblivion to the consequences.

My vacation time was spent unplugged. I intentionally kept my cellular roaming capability off. If I don't begin to take time off I will pay for it in blood pressure statins and botox. The reality of my professional life is that I am not feeling my cup as full anymore. Too many tiny holes in the mainframe to allow a full tank. I repeatedly ask myself if this is more than exhaustion? Perhaps a bit of lacking in the enthusiasm department when the gauge reads within the eligibility for retirement age.

There are benchmarks that mark your life. The calendar being our primary measuring tool. Mine is in the place where most of my peers have paid for the kids colleges and weddings and now find themselves free from allowances to dependents. I am at the place we never believed we would actually find; debt-free. My last loan to the 20 year purchase agreement for the clinic is due in under 60 days. How did that happen? How did the sun actually circumscribe the heavens enough times to reach the maturity date on that loan? Two decades ago, as a brand new graduate veterinarian that number was so mammoth in its zero's that I just assumed I would expire before it did. Who works this long in one place?

What I didn't realize was that as that sun was doing its donuts around my best of intentions a village was being built. Passionate efforts day after day, week after week, for years on end got me to this place. Intentions manifested into a lifetime of stories that involved wet noses and wags. There is a proud assertion of power that comes from standing on the top of the mountain you created. A sense of accomplishment to assuage your aches. A quiet sense of reflection for the lives you made stronger, happier, more inclined to nap than have to fret about the litter you cannot support. The choices you had the luxury of deciding. The knowledge that yours are free from the streets, the unmet pleas for empathy, and the heart songs of the moments of the life you got to share. For every dream a veterinarian ponders there is this life I paid for in hopes and got reimbursed for in reflections I don't want to escape from. I am so lucky,, maybe even as lucky as these pets I call my kids.

I remember that first day of vet school so vividly. My starched white jacket, my green nametag, that symbol of the snake and the cross, so ancient Roman impressive in its unpronounceable title, and me,,, wondering how I had gotten here after so much determination and grit, and an interminable 4 years ahead to try to keep that determination burning despite the challenges I knew I would face. Twenty years after graduation I have done vet school 5 times over. Who stays this long at anything, and why? To put those numbers into perspective I joined vet school after a ten year stint at sea. My second career is twice as long as my first, granted I adore this one and found great challenge in even attempting to like the first (no dogs or cats, or anything even remotely feminine at sea).

I can travel to get away from myself, but I always find out that I am happier with what I have built than what I want to get away from. That's the only kind of reflection that I should make time for at this point. Isn't it?

Maybe all of this effort will only amount to a cascade of colors with softened edges and hazy opacities. Maybe everything with even the best of intentions ends of rolling itself up on the shores of another lifetime as either detirtus or treasure? Maybe its only a matter of being the eye of the beholder and not wanting anything more than gratitude for the adventure given to us all?

For any of you interested in the history of this resort here goes. Enjoy,, I loved running down this rabbit hole. Finding the back story behind these fragments found in the tidal vomitus.

Butlin's West End Grand Bahama Island Debacle, care of the Grand Bahama Island Museum