Grieving has consequences. Serious, mind numbing, life paralyzing consequences. I call it the collateral damage to loving so much it hurts too bad to consider ever doing it again. Grieving is the yin to the deep love of living that is its yang.
I get it. I really, really, do! I know what grieving is. How hard it is to get through once you get pulled into it. I know what loving costs.
As a veterinarian I see pet loss and grieving daily. It is the painful sunset consequence to every jubilant new puppy and kitten exam we get to share. Where there is a beginning for these new bundles there is also often a decade or more of rich, deep love that at some point meets it end. That goodbye can cost more than anyone signs up for when they go to bring home their new companion. Saying goodbye often causes a forever farewell for many pet parents. I fear too often that their grief often comes with an ultimatum for never grieving again.
Overwhelmingly I get three responses when my clients lay to rest their last pet...
1. "We want to travel."
2. "They are too expensive."
3. "I never want to feel this heartbreak again. It's too much."
Do you wonder how many people say this to me? A LOT. I have started to classify them, and by "them" I include all people who have to say adieu to their beloved pets, into two categories.
Number one. My category. The place where sharing our lives with pets is our purpose. The people who can't imagine, nor have ever dared, to not have a pet in our life. The people who can't live, won't live, wouldn't even try to imagine living without a pet in their life. I am this person. I grieve but I get back in the saddle. Again. And, Again. It never gets easier to grieve the next time. Even with all my practice.
Number Two; everyone else.
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Whenever I fear one of these reasons I always find it is almost impossible for me to answer these without clarifying who I am and what my life looks like.
I LOVE to travel. In fact as I pen this I am on a train to NYC and then onto Boston. It is a 5 day jaunt. My three pups are with my parents. I am incredibly lucky to have parents who tolerate two puppies who most of the time act like deranged lunatics on an endless sugar high. The puppies love being there, and my parents love the puppy antics they entertain them with. We are a pet centered family. We all share each others pets and they share each others homes. If you aren't as lucky as I am to have family or friends share custody there are other options like Rover.com, or a boarding facility like my clinic runs. If you are a person who thinks that long term boarding, frequent boarding or even day trips are needed start acclimating your pup as soon as you get them. Make boarding a "normal" activity. Ask if you can start with a day or two a week and work up to overnights. Also get to know the boarding staff. They (we sure do) will send you daily photos, updates and help make their vacation as much fun as yours. If these don't work share your home with a pet sitter, or your pet can stay at doggie camp while you are away. If finances are tight a staycation, or working vacation are options. In some cases you can even bring your pet with you, although this might be too stressful for some pets. I have clients who chose to travel by motor home so their pets can be with them at all times.
The expense, well, all living creatures need appropriate health care, food, shelter, and these take financial resources. If you think that the emotional trade off has a financial restriction I can't argue with you, you just don't get it. There is no price for the love, devotion, and companionship they give for free. If you live within a tight budget, or need to budget for emergencies consider pet insurance, have an emergency pet fund, and find a vet like us who will help you with payment options if they are needed. Money doesn't have to be a defining limitation to loving a pet, but with all responsibilities that are willingly, consciously entered upon please don't adopt a companion if you cannot adequately compensate for them. I am not the veterinarian to preach about "don't have one if you cannot afford them," I am the veterinarian who will tell you from experience that the wealthiest clients don't necessarily make the most devoted parents. I will also adamantly state that caring for a pet with limited funds is possible. It takes a team approach. It takes honesty on the part of the parents. It takes openness, truthful discussions, devoted emotional investment that you share with the veterinarian, don't be angry at the vet, don't try to coerce, lie, threaten, manipulate, it will cost your pet and break the walls of trust that allow compromise to happen. I have managed difficult cases on a shoe string. It also takes a veterinarian willing to work with a budget and compromise. Not every vet does, and it is important to establish this very early on in the relationship.
I can say this. There is a yin to grieving. There is a sunrise on the other side. There is a peaceful awakening when you open your life again to loving someone. There is also immense joy in opening your heart back up to another soul living in the today and joyful in the delight of the moment. Mourning often robs you of this. A distraction, a life to share, and a new place to build a future on is often the only thing that heals me.
I get it. I really, really, do! I know what grieving is. How hard it is to get through once you get pulled into it. I know what loving costs.
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| Me and my beloved Jekyll, at the oncologists office. |
Overwhelmingly I get three responses when my clients lay to rest their last pet...
1. "We want to travel."
2. "They are too expensive."
3. "I never want to feel this heartbreak again. It's too much."
Do you wonder how many people say this to me? A LOT. I have started to classify them, and by "them" I include all people who have to say adieu to their beloved pets, into two categories.
Number one. My category. The place where sharing our lives with pets is our purpose. The people who can't imagine, nor have ever dared, to not have a pet in our life. The people who can't live, won't live, wouldn't even try to imagine living without a pet in their life. I am this person. I grieve but I get back in the saddle. Again. And, Again. It never gets easier to grieve the next time. Even with all my practice.
Number Two; everyone else.
Whenever I fear one of these reasons I always find it is almost impossible for me to answer these without clarifying who I am and what my life looks like.
 |
| Lewes Beach, delaware. My last vacation with my dying pup. |
The expense, well, all living creatures need appropriate health care, food, shelter, and these take financial resources. If you think that the emotional trade off has a financial restriction I can't argue with you, you just don't get it. There is no price for the love, devotion, and companionship they give for free. If you live within a tight budget, or need to budget for emergencies consider pet insurance, have an emergency pet fund, and find a vet like us who will help you with payment options if they are needed. Money doesn't have to be a defining limitation to loving a pet, but with all responsibilities that are willingly, consciously entered upon please don't adopt a companion if you cannot adequately compensate for them. I am not the veterinarian to preach about "don't have one if you cannot afford them," I am the veterinarian who will tell you from experience that the wealthiest clients don't necessarily make the most devoted parents. I will also adamantly state that caring for a pet with limited funds is possible. It takes a team approach. It takes honesty on the part of the parents. It takes openness, truthful discussions, devoted emotional investment that you share with the veterinarian, don't be angry at the vet, don't try to coerce, lie, threaten, manipulate, it will cost your pet and break the walls of trust that allow compromise to happen. I have managed difficult cases on a shoe string. It also takes a veterinarian willing to work with a budget and compromise. Not every vet does, and it is important to establish this very early on in the relationship.
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| Neutering Storm.. |
I am a slave to loving my cats and dogs. It is an addiction like no other. I miss them painfully when I am away on vacation. But I am bursting with glee when they reunite with me. I mourn them when they pass on with a grief many non-pet people don't relate to, and I go on with another hopeful friend awaiting me somewhere. They are my constant source of hope and love. I still vacation, grieve them when they are gone, and invest in the care I owe them as my family.
I often tell people that I feel as if my life has been lived in chapters. Some were defined by places I lived, the events that occurred around them, but, most were overwhelmingly defined by my companions, the dogs, cats, and pigs who shared each place in time with me. They are the foundation to my life's story. The place markers, the main characters, and often the support system to get through.
As I lost Jekyll I gained two desperate disposed of souls who needed me almost as much as I needed them. If you have it to give cast it like seeds, watch them grow around you. It is what life means as it matters.
This is the balance to loss, living and loving again, for as long as this life will allow me.
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| Storm and Fripp. |
This is the balance to loss, living and loving again, for as long as this life will allow me.
For more information on pet loss and grieving please see my other blogs on this subject here;
For more on Jekyll, his journey, and the process of digging myself out of the loss of him please see the past blogs on him here;
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| Jekyll |
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Thank you for reading and sharing your life with the companions who remind us why life is worth working so hard to keep them in the lifestyle they have grown accustomed to.
When you heart has broken into a million pieces after loosing one you loved so deeply sometimes channeling that grief into fostering can help mend a broken heart. When we lost Saleena I didn't know what to do with the grief, she was a truly amazing dog, the type of dog they write books about (I wish you had known her). Because of my love for her and the grief that followed when my shadow was gone I started fostering....80 some dogs and countless cats later I look back on the past six years and count the lives instead of the loss. I don't know if I would have willingly made the choice after Maddie, climbing into bed and staying there seemed like the better choice....but Poe found me 24 hours later. The grief is still there, it finds me when I realize I didn't cancel auto ship on her food or when I pause at the pet food isle in the grocery store ready to stock up on junk food, or when I am jolted awake at night ready to check on her...and it finds me when I schedule summer vacations that had been placed on hold. But every morning when I wake up I am greeted by a little life who I know I wouldn't have said yes to had Maddie not left....and that is the circle of life. That is where I find peace.
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