I will spend the rest of my days trying to be as kind, loving, and affectionate as my dear pup Jekyll was in every moment of his life. He was a gift to all of us. He was the kind of soul that makes a mark, leaves an impression, reminds you that there is only good in the world. He was the source of my measure for genuine unconditional joy. He loved life. Every second, every person, every molecule of biology in every single thing.
And his mom,, well, she loved him for all that he was,, and her life will never be the same without him.
It was the end of a battle. This morning the house of cards fell, collapsed, forced the goodbyes.
I cannot utter that word. I cannot say g-o-o-d-b-y-e. It is impossible, permanent, inescapable. So I just repeated that "I love you." The song to lullaby a sleep while we are apart.
It is eerily quiet. A catacomb has invaded and possessed my home.
It is too quiet. Unsettling so.
As if the air was sucked out of all of us. One great cataclysmic finale to end an era. Mark the passing.
I struggle to find footing here. Tip-toe through the rubble and the ashes. Find, clear, remove last remnants, sobbing all the while.
There is always an end. The end of all great things, tragedy when the end marks the last moments of a life you can't imagine yours without.
I had to say farewell. Had to. Not wanted to, Never wanting to.
I always fail to see that "loss of the light in their eyes", that begging for release. Maybe I am too analytical, too attached, too selfish? I just saw my beloved little one with no options left. There was no buying time, no fixing, no hidden tricks up my sleeves.
It was fear meets desperation and a finality I had tricked out of landing on our shoulders too many times before.
And I am here. Left behind. Feeling a loss so lonely I want to draw it around me and drown in it. Just to be quiet here with the memory, my last grips of his soul, the indelible mark he leaves me with. An open wound that doesn't have enough viable tissue around it to close. The hole so big I cannot cry out of it. Crawl under from, walk out of without feeling as if I left me there too.
He came to me in the palm of his breeders hand. A cold man. Hardened. Rough. He had brought him into this world and brought him into mine as a scrap of a defective piece he no longer wanted to be burdened with. He was so small and insignificant his life amounted to a few sentences over the reception table. His breeder wanted quick cheap answers and wouldn't even leave him the dignity or respect to make the 30 foot walk to an exam room.
He was a puppy with a problem that prohibited sale and the man was looking for an option to rid him of the burden any longer.
I scooped him up, took him home and built a life around his needs, his love for living, and we ended just like we began. Interdependent on each other for life, and wondering how someone so little could be so vital to our living?
Jekyll leaves behind a legacy. Some we shared here, most we shared in the times I was off duty from being a vet, but all with fingerprints on the lives he met along the way.
He was always searching for his next friend. A boy who loved everyone. Loved every adventure. Never missed a day to smell the grass, walk the road, and go to the clinic. He was loved more than his little life leaves room to articulate.
He was loved because that was all he knew how to do.
He is missed because he was the joy that made life beautiful. Even when he was being bad. (Which he also loved to do).
Your mom loves you Jek pup.. and she misses you.
Thank you to everyone who asked, came to visit, and sent well wishes. His family is grateful for him, the time we had with him, and for all of you for letting us share it with you.
I understand why people close off their hearts after losing their love. I can't ever get him back. I am forever scarred by this loss. I want HIM back, not any dog, just him. He was irreplaceable. Irresistible. He loved to go anywhere we went. He loved. I miss him more than these words can signify. He was my beloved little velvet eared, wagging tailed beagle-boy.
May you be free from pain, wandering the skies, and eternally loved... Your mom misses you, and she loves you.. but most of all I am so grateful to have known you.
And his mom,, well, she loved him for all that he was,, and her life will never be the same without him.
I cannot utter that word. I cannot say g-o-o-d-b-y-e. It is impossible, permanent, inescapable. So I just repeated that "I love you." The song to lullaby a sleep while we are apart.
It is eerily quiet. A catacomb has invaded and possessed my home.
It is too quiet. Unsettling so.
As if the air was sucked out of all of us. One great cataclysmic finale to end an era. Mark the passing.
I struggle to find footing here. Tip-toe through the rubble and the ashes. Find, clear, remove last remnants, sobbing all the while.
There is always an end. The end of all great things, tragedy when the end marks the last moments of a life you can't imagine yours without.
I had to say farewell. Had to. Not wanted to, Never wanting to.
I always fail to see that "loss of the light in their eyes", that begging for release. Maybe I am too analytical, too attached, too selfish? I just saw my beloved little one with no options left. There was no buying time, no fixing, no hidden tricks up my sleeves.
It was fear meets desperation and a finality I had tricked out of landing on our shoulders too many times before.
And I am here. Left behind. Feeling a loss so lonely I want to draw it around me and drown in it. Just to be quiet here with the memory, my last grips of his soul, the indelible mark he leaves me with. An open wound that doesn't have enough viable tissue around it to close. The hole so big I cannot cry out of it. Crawl under from, walk out of without feeling as if I left me there too.
He came to me in the palm of his breeders hand. A cold man. Hardened. Rough. He had brought him into this world and brought him into mine as a scrap of a defective piece he no longer wanted to be burdened with. He was so small and insignificant his life amounted to a few sentences over the reception table. His breeder wanted quick cheap answers and wouldn't even leave him the dignity or respect to make the 30 foot walk to an exam room.
He was a puppy with a problem that prohibited sale and the man was looking for an option to rid him of the burden any longer.
I scooped him up, took him home and built a life around his needs, his love for living, and we ended just like we began. Interdependent on each other for life, and wondering how someone so little could be so vital to our living?
Jekyll leaves behind a legacy. Some we shared here, most we shared in the times I was off duty from being a vet, but all with fingerprints on the lives he met along the way.
He was always searching for his next friend. A boy who loved everyone. Loved every adventure. Never missed a day to smell the grass, walk the road, and go to the clinic. He was loved more than his little life leaves room to articulate.
He was loved because that was all he knew how to do.
He is missed because he was the joy that made life beautiful. Even when he was being bad. (Which he also loved to do).
Your mom loves you Jek pup.. and she misses you.
I understand why people close off their hearts after losing their love. I can't ever get him back. I am forever scarred by this loss. I want HIM back, not any dog, just him. He was irreplaceable. Irresistible. He loved to go anywhere we went. He loved. I miss him more than these words can signify. He was my beloved little velvet eared, wagging tailed beagle-boy.
May you be free from pain, wandering the skies, and eternally loved... Your mom misses you, and she loves you.. but most of all I am so grateful to have known you.
OH Krista, you are one of us, you with your big heart and healing talents and huge desire to make the world a better place...I'm so sorry for this loss, this piece of your heart that was his, that will never fully heal, but be scarred with the beautiful moments that are our dogs, gifts from the Heavens, to which they must return. And if we're truly blessed, like you were by Jekyll, your life is marked as permanently as a tattoo by the time they were your family. We can mark our lives in timelines that belong to them and that include the way they help us relate. There are no words, but there will always be him, his memory and the days that were yours together. God bless you and your family as you deal with this loss.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you, my dear Krista, as tears stream down my cheeks. God alway gives you the words that express exactly the deep, SAD, with us for the rest of our lives as we miss our beloved pets. The hole remains, even though we know in our mind that it will heal a bit over time. Cry your heart out, hug all of the rest of your family, and do what I know you will do....go out and continue to save the world. We are ALL better for knowing you and witnessing your struggles to make life as good as possible for every four legged life you touch. Love you so much. Karen
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the loss of your Jekyll! I know he will truly be missed!
ReplyDeleteDr. Krista, my heart is breaking for you. Jekyll was indeed an irreplaceable force of nature, surviving and thriving against all odds from the very first time you saw his face. The love you gave each other is precious and, as you undoubtedly already know, will eventually sustain you through this heartbreaking loss. Just not today... not yet. Sweet Jekyll, fly free, and be a good, good boy until your Mom sees you again. <3
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry to hear that your beloved boy has passed. Loving them and then having to say goodbye is so very hard. My heart hurts for you . . . having suffered these losses myself. Take heart in knowing that your love for him was returned to you tenfold by his loving Beagle heart. My sympathies . . .
ReplyDeletesorry Krista. We had a nice week with him down at the beach. He's a good boy.
ReplyDeleteRIP, Jekyll. So many of us followed your story and loved you too. To Dr. Magnifico, our heart is heavy and grieved with you. Deepest sympathies.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you. I can't stop crying...
ReplyDelete