Sunday, November 19, 2017

Fate vs Indifference.

Perhaps I have had it all wrong this whole time?

Perhaps it is not that I am supposed to be forced into indifference, but rather the acceptance of fate? Fate beyond my stubborn dogged determination to thwart, remold, and re-imagine. Fate as the force that is dictated by something far beyond my perception.

I had to euthanize another kitten I had grown too fond of today.. One I had invested my heart and soul into, and another I refused to be "sensible, rational, or honest" about.

Last week it was Moana, the kitten with four broken legs who was too cute to refuse, and too pitiful to turn away. It was a massive exhaustive team effort to try to save her, her four broken legs and their open flesh of jagged bone. In the end the cost of trying amounted to many thousands of dollars and immeasurable stress as we all worry who might become a casualty in the disease no one unarmed wins; rabies.

Today it was Wallace. The kitten with the prolapsed rectum I spent countless hours trying to coerce into functional compliance. In the end his colon did stay inside his abdomen, but the rest of him decayed secondary to FIV (which we had tested in his intake). I lost two souls I battled over, cried over, sweated over, and refused to concede to. Even after all of this I lost. Worst of all, they had to die at my hand. I hate, absolutely hate, having to be this person. The hand of death, the last warrior in the duel I know I yield more weapons in.

I hate the grief process and the juxtaposition of knowing I did try everything, and am left to play the part of both the slayer and the fool, again.
How can I try so hard, (to bend and alter fate just a little?) and be disappointed,, again?
How many times do I keep trying even if heartbreak and losing is the cost?
Has every other veterinarian learned this lesson already?
I thought I had to avoid the "professional indifference" to preserve my "compassionate heart"?
But was this really just "unavoidable fate" the whole time?
Does acceptance lead to indifference?

I will never learn. I know no other way, and I accept the fate terms on the conditions I applied for.

So today I cried Wallace away with all the love he always had from all of us. I buried him in our pet cemetery to keep the others company. And, I moved onto another. Meet Scotty. Last week he was trapped, neutered, ear tipped and almost (should have) died on the operating table as he tried to bleed out for three hours in front of us. He didn't. He's turned into a love bug. And I'm thinking that this one might really be the one?

Scotty
 Wallace and Moana...
Celebrating on the day Wallace was adopted.
Moana
Post Script;
I secretly fear the repercussions of this post. The reminder I will get from some awful cold hearted venomous vet who has told me that I am #atrainwreck and an #idiot for every reason imaginable. Because I remain an eternal blind Polly-Anna. I try too hard. I think I can and it will be. Whatever reason they choose to hurl at me in hurtful fists and contempt. That they can take comfort in my failing is the side I grapple with confessing. It is the voice of the afraid, who still sits here heart-on-my-sleeve trying. Maybe losing here and there, maybe feeling like I haven't quite learned whatever lesson is supposed to bring me clarity. But still here. As if the self worth, doubt, and hardship isn't enough.

If you have any questions or comments please find me on Twitter at @FreePetAdvice, or ask me any pet question for free at Pawbly.com I am also at the clinic Jarrettsville Veterinary Center in Jarrettsville Maryland. 

20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about Wallace...I had followed his journey and had so hoped his was to be a happy and long life...I'm in awe of those of you who can give so selflessly of you hearts and souls time and time again..take care.

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  2. The Final Rescue is yours to give, and it certainly is a Gift in these circumstances. Anyone who doubts your intentions, has not read your heartache in each case. I do think you should preserve yourself a little more. Some fights are lost without any blame to be laid at your feet.

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    1. Agreed! I am trying. it is not easy, nor comfortable. Thanks!

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    2. Krista, that part is so well said, yet for you to look with an experienced, impartial heart at any pet who comes before you goes against your basic nature which is to heal, sometimes against all odds. I also think that difficult as it must be to end the pain and suffering of an animal who you tried to save with a valiant effort must also give comfort when that battle becomes too much. Compassion and release are arrows in your quiver you go to as the last resort. There is comfort there as well. Your patients go to you because of the extraordinary care you give. Sometimes that care includes an end to pain. Keep trying!

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  3. I--and my pets--are grateful for vets like you who choose not to be indifferent. Anyone who chastizes you for caring probably shouldn't be practicing any kind of medicine.

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  4. So sorry for all your loss at Jarrettsville Vet, when you had to put my EggRoll down it was so hard. Still miss her beautiful face and the love she gave me. Right now we are fighting cancer and when my husband is cured I will be looking for a new kitty from you! Love my rescues. ��♥️������ Thank You for being so caring and love Jarrettsville Vet🐾🐾

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss. But I am also grateful for your efforts. You value life so much that you do everything possible to save it. I also believe you have great victories. You may not be sharing them with us now because of your grief, but I know they are there. They are there because you value life so much, you will do anything in your power to save it. The world needs people like you because even when you lose you inspire the empathy the world needs to take better care of all of the animals out there. You probably saved some kittens you never met because one of your readers was inspired to take them in. Please don't change. You were given a compassionate heart for a reason. Because the world needs you. You will have more victories. You will also have more losses. Did you know that when Babe Ruth won the homerun titles he also was the strike out leader? Do you know why? Because he always swung for the fence. And when you swing for the fence, percentages dictate that you will also miss. You are a great doctor. Most importantly, you are a caring person. Please don't change. With your compassionate heart, you have also been given the strength to survive your losses. It is hard, I know. But when your strength comes back after the loss, you are stronger than you were before. You are needed. You provided care and compassion to these creatures before they passed. It is what they needed. They knew love. It is a great gift to give them. Prayers for your peace and comfort, doctor. I don't know you, but I know you are needed.

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  6. We love you to the Moon and back....

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  7. I commend you for all your hard work and compassion towards the animals you try so hard to save. some being too far gone but you try your best. I love you for that.

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  8. I'm so sorry for the loss of sweet Wallace and Moana. The pain of loss is too deep that we wonder if we can survive it. I am so grateful for the courage you have to keep moving and keep trying. Every living being deserves a chance.

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  9. Thank you for all you do, for being he "warrior" with your amazing team! Fighting the good fight is never easy, and it is your care and passion that keeps so many of us with you and your practice. Just don't don't forget to take time to care for yourself. Rejuvenating and healing are needed to remain strong!

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  10. You are courageous and an inspiration to us all. If someone can't see that they're the one with "issues".

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  11. This moved me to tears for you. Thank you for your love for all animals.

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  12. I've been following you since everyone-other vets- were in a tizzy, a few ago. There is nothing wrong with having compassion and positive thoughts. With each patient you obviously give your all to them. And with each patient you have a 50/50 chance of helping the animal.
    Don't let anyone bring you down. They're a bunch of bullies. It's nice to know that you are honest about the cost of healthcare for our fur babies. Stand strong. Every life is worth trying to save. Even when it ends as it did for Moana and Wallace. Keep up the great work.

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  13. Yours is the burden the compassionate bear. You take chances on those who others may write off as a lost cause, beyond intervention. Where others see fruitless efforts, you see possibility and a life worthy of being saved. Because of this you attempt what others may not. For every life lost there are countless others that will live happy lives and bring immeasurable joy because of you, the person who refused to be indifferent and accept that which seems inevitable. A fact which does not detract from the grief you feel after each loss. I speak as a layman, one who has never been charged with saving a life, but as one who is deeply passionate about animals and has experienced the soul crushing grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved companion. If you ever learn to become indifferent or accept fate, you will lose that which makes a crusader for those who have far too few.

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  14. Yours is the burden the compassionate bear. You take chances on those who others may write off as a lost cause, beyond intervention. Where others see fruitless efforts, you see possibility and a life worthy of being saved. Because of this you attempt what others may not. For every life lost there are countless others that will live happy lives and bring immeasurable joy because of you, the person who refused to be indifferent and accept that which seems inevitable. A fact which does not detract from the grief you feel after each loss. I speak as a layman, one who has never been charged with saving a life, but as one who is deeply passionate about animals and has experienced the soul crushing grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved companion. If you ever learn to become indifferent or accept fate, you will lose that which makes a crusader for those who have far too few.

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  15. You fight the good fight, don't stop! I would rather have the vet that cries with me than the one who coldly euthanizes my animal and moves to the next one. Why are you a vet if it never bothers you? Yes, you give the old and sick dignity in passing...but you are also fighting for some to pull through. Don't apologize for having a good heart.

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  16. I just recently became acquainted with your blog. I cried as I read about Moana and Wallace and hope and pray your latest love bug Scott will thrive
    Your heart is big, never give up.

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  17. Krista, we suffer in so many ways for our profession. Do the right thing and sometimes you get punished by colleagues, ungrateful owners or financially. And when thing don't turn out as we had planned we get the same. Beyond it all loving souls in our profession (Yes, I mean you) suffer their own self imposed penalties. It's never enough. In the end we either have to find some other outlet for our lives or we just have to fight our way against the tide. Don't give up. You do a good job and most importantly you care. You have all my respect.

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