The Question

I think that I might have over extended?

If you asked me if I was willing to sacrifice every second of my own life for my pets I would, without hesitation, say yes. If you asked me to multiply that by our current veterinary clinic caseload I would ask for a few minutes to do the math so I could get a better idea of the scope of this question, and say,, (increasingly tentatively),,, umm,,, maybe? 

I cancelled my summer vacation this year. I cancelled last summers vacation this same time last year. I now live and work in a groundhog day recycling of 5 days on and 2 days off. The first of these days off is spent either cleaning litter boxes or sleeping. Typically sleeping then litter boxes. I have to do both, and I cannot muster the strength to do anything else. Never a wish for plans that would include me to be at my best and/or ready to slay another obstacle. It seems impossible to meet the demands of other peoples pet needs and take time off. Which, yes, I do recognize is the self-fulfilling recipe to my own demise. Please don’t tell me you told me so, or, rub my nose in it. 

In an appointment yesterday a client reminded me that he has been coming here for 20 years. He asked me if I was still working the same schedule? When I replied yes he reminded me that I couldn’t manage it back then either. I’m not sure if he was finding comfort in my consistency. A way to hold time still when the rest of the world, and the life we live within it, is rushing by. Or, if it was a gentle reminder that life is rushing by and I am not evolving, or, participating in witnessing it.

Dasa. Reminding me to take a minute and inspect before you open your mouth.

The question has its own problem. If I recognize how important and influential my pets are in my own life how do I ignore this in someone else’s life? How do I dismiss the blocked cat with $200 for the care it needs. The same cat who has never had veterinary care and a young girl crying beside it? I was once that young girl. Thank goodness my little small town vet had mercy on both our souls. He never made my families pets about our families failures,, and we had a lot of them. 

Did I ever tell you about our border collies and the porcupines? The number of times they would run off and return with a face full of quills? How my dad would insist they go to the vet at 10 pm so he wouldn’t have to deal with their crying all night? The pregnancies, twice, because we were too cheap to spay? And the dogs that ran away never to be seen again. Maybe all of this overworking now is to an effort to compensate for our prior offenses? Deal with the trauma of being an utter failure at basic pet care in my childhood.

Before you get all, “I’ve got all the answers for you uppity there’s absolutely no where else for these people, this cat, to go. Further, all of these (yes, damn it I am using the word ALL), are treatable. These cats, last stop missions, are my purpose. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone within them. (Tired, I should also add tired). 

Dr Barsanti and Dr Applefeld were my mentors. Old guys who were in vet school in the 70’s and both old school. They built a practice in a community they spent their entire career in. Their success was only possible because their community valued and trusted them. I learned more about running a business based on ethics and long term dedication from them. When I was in vet school I worked at a very busy, very profitable practice in southern Maryland. The owner had just bought the practice from his mentor. He was stressed and fiscally focused. A cat was found in need of medical help. The finder brought the cat in for help but could not afford the care it needed. He took it and told her he would take care of her. The staff was so excited to be able to help this kitten. They made her a super adorable bedded cage and snuggled her all day. At the end of the day he euthanized her without telling anyone. It was a cruel power play of insecurity and deceit. I left the next morning. He is still a miserable miser and everyone knows that he only cares about money. He and I will die within the walls of our clinics but I will carry the lessons all of these mentors taught me to my own exit having never seeing a patient as a burden.

Cookie.. who I would absolutely do anything for.

Maybe the question isn’t what I am doing wrong now, but how I see myself as still doing good whilst doing something else? Can I ever remove one part of this person from the other? The one that has 1 day to do and be anything else and still just sits at home petting my cats.

Fripp who encourages me to sleep in a little longer.