Teetering

 Seems I teeter on the edge of more cliffs than I want to claim ownership of.

The brink of exhaustion. The edge of burn-out. The constant realization that I am not enough in any of the capacities I expect myself to be.

I accept that the dams break under my toes. I know that it will happen. I expect and brace for it. It has happened so many times that I am at a loss to find annoyance or dismay upon it.

"No Good Deed Goes Unpunished." I am fairly certain that I have titled this for more of my blogs than any other sentiments combined.

My Seraphina. She is my daily reminder, my touchstone, my beacon to remind me that kindness matters and has lasting resonance. Brought to us so injured we didn't know if she would survive.
See her full blog here.

You see the world is full of turmoil meeting unmet intentions. I am no different. I can hope for more, but in reality I am met with the same. A long list of too many moving parts to allow the engine to run seamlessly. Too many people too passionate about the pets in their lives that they have nowhere else to go. And, like a fool who refuses to accept the lessons previously presented, we open the gates. 

Yesterday a pit bull who could melt your heart with her cow-eyed pity abused, neglected and dismissed until someone found her by the literal train tracks at the near end of her rope. She needs a lot and she was found by someone who doesn't have a lot. The needs and the expectations far outweigh the availability and charity. She came to see me. Overall, if you can put the obvious skin defects out of focus, she is doing well. She needs time and stability, but she now has hope. That was my diagnosis. It wasn't good enough. They wanted the moon and the stars and to be the veterinarian writing scripts and filling meds she wouldn't benefit from. They wanted surgeries, social media posts about her terminal condition. They wanted me to be the wordsmith to the public plea for attention. No one is happy with kindness anymore. And so I was met with another bashing email. A public post about "disappointment" and another internal reminder to ask myself who I am and why I am here. And, maybe if it is time again to retreat into the darkness and shutter the gates.

Oreo. My clinic cat. They all start the same.
A cat no one wants because no one sees the value in them.
He is 100% adoring affection.

Yesterday there were 5 clients I got to spend time with. Five people who I know and adore and trust and feel honored to care for. And this one piece of self-righteous anger is the one who leaves me feeling half-empty. That's life I suppose.