Speechless; Screaming into the Vacuum.

I have been quiet.. for a while. Its not like me.. so, people have been asking..

"Where's the blog gone?"

I have  been blogging for long enough to know where the audience is, what they are interested in, and how I can coexist amongst these. The dilemma is that once you amass an audience they require frequent attention. They won't stick around if you don't keep them fed, assuaged and entertained.

It's the end of a year. A time for reflection, introspection, and self critical analysis. Except, lately, I have been feeling a little lost. Which will be evident to those who know me once I start speaking here. I cannot try to bluff my way through a blog. The past vulnerability I have displayed would make the shallow attempt at plausibility obvious.

The problem isn't the lack of self-purpose, nor is it the voice loud enough to proclaim it. It is that I get overwhelmed... don't we all? Overwhelmed with problems, challenges, pressures, and doubt that our little lives can influence a change big enough to matter. And, if it doesn't matter why invest so much effort in the trying?

I feel/fear that my voice too often lives in a vacuum. A place where those who need it cannot access it, and those threatened by it do whatever they can to suppress it. It is a mountain of challenge..

OR, have I become the girl crying "Wolf!" so often that even I am sick of my own pleas for help? Do I still relate to her? Identify with her cause and, if so, can I still muster/resurrect/maintain the energy to be her?

When I feel really small and inconsequential I get overwhelmed, and, then I get quiet, pensive, and introverted as I search for the return to my path within.

So, I sat here quiet, for months. Searching for the next reason to write. Hoping something entertaining, relevant, meaningful would miraculously fall in front of me. It hasn't. I am still here in the same spot wondering and wandering through the routines of my days.

Now that I am not swimming in the vortex of cancer watching my beloved puppy die I have had more free time to think. (Not always a good thing).

I have gone back to work full force. Immersion into other peoples worries, the pets I adore helping, and the clinic that is such a mash of intricate working parts the greasy wheels echo needs I can't fill fast enough.

The tapestry of issues, needs, and unfilled voids is equally overwhelmingly daunting. The chaos surrounds and I continue to sit small and lost.

Every day there is a reminder of work unfinished. Tasks no one else is going to face publicly, and a mountain of requests for help I cannot complete.

A small sampling includes;

"This sounds exactly like my cat. I was told by my specialist (after a $900 bill) that he most likely wouldn't have polyps because hes too young (2 years 8 months). They told me they could look for polyps, but that it would be an additional $2600 and that they may not find anything. I am considering traveling 4 hours to you and just sent an email to Krista. Thank you so much for this video, I feel like I  may have found the answer to helping my cat!"  This was in response to a YouTube video I posted on removing a nasopharyngeal polyp in a cat. The video, which documents the entire procedure, lasts 2 minutes and 38 seconds.

I get tons, and tons, of requests to look for a polyp in a cat who has been given a $1500 (plus) estimate to have this performed.

"Why is there such a price discrepancy?" they all ask.

"Ask them, I have no idea.. really, I don't. But I know I am not the only one who does this procedure. Nor am I (probably) the cheapest." It is a curt, terse, quip  reply. (I am equally appalled, angry and afraid the throngs will find me in a drove of cat-carrier caravans).

I also get referrals from other clinics to help the clients they won't. I would love to say 'can't' but they can, they just won't and don't. Almost always due to cost. They won't offer a payment plan, or even third party billing plan, and they won't budge on whatever that "why?" is. It is infuriating. I suppose I should feel at least grateful (not the right word, maybe, consoled?) that they cared enough (also probably not the right word), to tell them other places do care enough to.

Here's my New Years (2019) proclamation.

Jarrettsville Vet will take care of our clients when they need us. Not just when it's profitable, convenient, and easy enough to do so. Through the adorable puppy and kitten days, to the vomiting, diarrhea, urinary blockages, pyometras, and nasopharyngeal polyp days. We will be honest, offer options to every ailment, and every budget, and help you help your beloved furry family members every single day. It is what people who have pets they consider family want. It is who we are in the clinic and out of the clinic. It is why I will keep making videos, with prices included in them, and screaming into the vacuum.

We might be small, but we are mighty and unwavering in our mission and purpose.

Can one person change the world? Only if they inspire a change others need and build a team that is as determined as she is. It's time to stop being quiet again. It's time to get back to work outside of the clinic.

I guess we'll both see how I sound on  December 29 in 2019?

Here is where I fall prey to the profession I feel is so important and vital. I can scream into a working vacuum at the clinic, but, at home in the  quiet moments I am screaming this,, all the damned time.

There are pets with treatable conditions out there who are lucky enough to have a family that loves them as an integral part of their lives. We, the veterinary profession, knows this. We feel the same way. It was what motivated us to go to vet school. This intangible need to take care of those who lack a voice but impact our lives so profoundly. Somewhere in the quest for greedy profiteering, status, titles, and shiny towers we lost who we were and why we came. We started blaming, shaming, and distancing ourselves from our clients all at the expense of our patients (and I would add ourselves). There are always options outside of economic euthanasia. There is dying in this profession. Some, (a fraction of what is actually going on), are untreatable, the rest, the patients being denied care, cheated from the actual treatment because we knowingly exhausted resources in the discovery phase, and the emergencies at 2 am who aren't told that cheaper exists after 8 am, are the skeletons that lead our suicide statistics. We, this profession turned lobbyists, did it to ourselves. We forgot. We forgot to care, to over extend for the sake of that wet nose. We forgot that vet school was always a poor investment. We forgot what it is like to live paycheck by paycheck because we also made poor life choices. And, we forgot that the legacies of our lives are the actions of the moment.

When we deny options that work for people we deny them the ability to care for their pets. We undermine the bonds our profession relies on for current and future viability. This reflects on our professions integrity and credibility. 

Here I am screaming.. is anyone there?

For more information on who Jarrettsville Veterinary Center is please visit our Facebook page, or our website.

If you have a pet question or a story about your pet to share so we can start to help others who might be in the same situation you are (or were), please visit us at Pawbly.com. It is free to use and open to everyone.

If you want to learn more about pet care visit my YouTube channel here.