Saturday, February 10, 2018

Demands,, Pleas,,, and Classifieds

Lately I have been feeling a little lost,, so I thought I would put my demands, pleas, and requests to paper.. a small sputtering to the cosmos to not forget about me,, here goes;

Demand: happier self with more time to enjoy mundane tasks that involve glue, scissors and paper.

Or how about my classified ad;

WF seeks: Forlorn frenetic feminist in search of destiny that meets expectations.

Missing: Well educated veterinarian seeks former self who stood nubile, supple and sensuous on open scallop ready to parlay pearls of prideful tutelage onto appreciative receptive pet loving world.

Lost: Former people-pleaser seeks effigy to burn to a crisp. (Maybe if I burn her, I won't walk around feeling perpetually toasted?)

Seeking: Mid-life crisis kit Ikea version.

Suggestions Sought: Stigma free vice to adorn daily, (or more often, should the desire strike me to imbibe).

Appreciated: Sir David Attenborough's Planet series without any animals dying option.

Desired: Less a$*holes, more kittens.

Desperate: More adoptions, less puppy mills... (I am drowning in puppy mill puppies and the horrors they hide behind their scared eyes and clutching arms).

But, instead, here is where my veterinary life pleas are;

Mandatory Animal Cruelty Law that comes with easy button to summon the Commissioner Bat-Signal style. (Yes, damn it, I have to call and rat on people that often. There are awful, vicious, stupid, greedy people out there. And, now I HAVE to report them (although I always did even when I wasn't compelled to).

Orthopedic professional shoes in BRIGHT colors (think Cabaret meets Jean Paul Gaultier) AND I feel sexy in. (PS I don't care if I smell of urine and have anal sac perfum in my hair.. this is my whole retched life, at least let me feel sexy.)

Scrubs that don't sag in the crotch and suffocate in the lassoed boob, my own Tropic Of Cancer zone. (Are they all made with an empire silhouette? If I was perpetually pregnant I wouldn't care that they drape so shitty,, they ALL drape shitty. (Hence the sexy shoe plea!))

Recalibrated owner olfactory shop. A place to stop in and tune up the noses of every owner who can no longer smell the dead fish stewing in their Cocker Spaniel's ears. How do these parents NOT smell those ears when they get home everyday? I can smell them when they walk in the building. (sage, incense, smelling salts, what does reset the pet owner olfactory immunity?)

Nail Trim Courage. There needs to be a class, a badge, a road to Oz where pet parents gain the elusive nail trim courage. Perhaps a three day quick-athalon,,, get over your fear of quicking your pet in three days.. (must sign waiver for cruelty charges first).

Puppy Mill infrared Army goggles. You show up in a parking lot to exchange cash for a puppy in box, and your Big Brother Vet hits the "ABORT" button for you. Cops show up to confiscate puppy (it goes to a wonderful home,,, because everything here has a happy ending and this is my life Law and Order style (duh-dunt-duh!) and arrest Cruella DeCanine.

Pet food procurement comes without false hopes that protein is all they need to look like AHnald in his Terminator days. Your dog isn't a wolf. In some cases your dog doesn't even pee outdoors, never mind hunt for its food.

Viral videos of ranting vets (yes pun intended) leads to better care for pets,, not shunning and shaming, and for Gods sake, NOT stopping to vaccinate for treatable often deadly diseases. Want to make an educated AND safe pet care decision. Titer before boycotting, or cutting vaccine doses into guesstimate fractioned amounts and think.. don't share a video without science and biased data to support it. Let the cry be heard roud the world, people LOVE their pets, don't mess with that, or them!

Just one nickel, like from the Goddess of Common Sense, for each time an itchy-bald-bare-assed pet comes in with fleas, and the owner says "My pet doesn't have fleas!" in the same harsh defensive accusatory tone they would had I said "Do you use any flea preventatives?" Like I own stock in preventatives, like that's a solid investment.

And a dollar for every time a rat poisoned dog eats rat poison and their owner tells me "they don't eat it because they know better."

The pregnant sister of the impregnating brother, and the quiet uncomfortable pause as I question whether I need to get out a dry erase board and start educating Pictionary-style.

The questionable ethics of going on vacation for two weeks and leaving "enough food" for the cats. (Commissioner I need a call back).

The diet/weight loss plan that insures a shrinking waistline because you purchased an at-home piece of gym equipment and/or fenced in your yard. If your pet isn't being taken for exercise and your Stairmaster is for drying clothes you probably won't see the benefit of your lacking exercise regimen.

I am tired and cranky, and having a tougher and tougher time being happy to see puppy mill puppies sold by Amos and Amish. I am also struggling to be the receptacle for every broken, dumped and diseased kitten with no other options (apparently I am the only one who feels bad,,?). The vet who takes the most vulnerable pets from the shelter, trying to save their lives, and work tirelessly to find them a home,, so happy to find them a home, and the new parent leaves to go "back to their vet." Where are those scissors, better stick with the ones with rounded edges.

...and the prayer for the end of the day..

Certification Sought: For humble, slightly sarcastic Sagittarius still thinking the glass is half full and the sunset is just a rosé away.. I don't need glasses, I'll just view through the goblet.

Be well everyone,,, let it out! Vent! Soapbox! Be you,, all ugly shoes, smelly hair, and visions of cat walking in stilettos dancing in your sleep deprived head.
If you are interested in help for your pet and don't know where to go please find visit us at It is a free online community dedicated to educating and inspiring pet people everywhere. It is free to use and open to everyone.

I can also be found at Jarrettsville Vet in Harford County Maryland. Visit our Facebook page here, or see our online Price Guide at our website I also have many helpful videos on my YouTube channel


  1. OK. I now feel bad about the nail courage thing...I need the class:( Sorry...

    1. LOL!! Love you!! I got your back!! Enrollment is open and you are welcome anytime! ;-)