Believe in Me.

Being a veterinarian and most especially the practice owner, is essentially nothing more than asking people to believe in you.

True, I need to have studied, practiced, and display the fundamental skills associated with being a veterinary medical doctor, but, there is very little oversight and even less direction provided for us while we are out in the trenches. Leadership skills are not provided as one of the important tools to carry in your medical bag. Some of us are born with them, others fight gallantly to escape having to earn them, and still others flee with great fear at the idea of having to take charge of anything.

I have had the audacity to try to build something far outside of the normal parameters of a vet hospital. I have learned the hard way there is a price to pay for that.

I believed I could do more. I also believe I can do it honestly, transparently and with integrity. It presents its own set of challenges.

If I invest the majority of my heart and soul into my practice I run the risk, like in every other relationship, of being taken advantage of, dumped, and/or feeling heartbroken. I can confess that this happens. I don't know how else to trudge through? How do I possibly remain a "heart on my sleeve bleeding heart kind of person" and not maintain some degree of caring when I get rejected?

I don't know how to be any different? I don't even know if I even want to? Which leaves me sitting here staring at the stars wondering where my place in the world is? How do I remain the eternal optimist in humanity, reason, fate, and the tiny steps of this ethical minefield, full of precious pets and messed up humans that I have to navigate through? (OK, I am trying to remain optimistic,, in fact I am jaded and jilted, and maybe even a little paranoid about the next perpetrator of my vulnerability).

Believe in me? Do I still believe in me? There are days.. when,, I... just... don't... know?

The problem is that you have to keep convincing yourself that you still believe in you when it seems that no one else does.

At the intermission of this one lifetime I know I made some hard decisions, taken some leaps of faith and tried every single time to be kind instead of right. I leave my head and neck on the chopping block because I don't see a pet, an animal, any living thing as a piece of property. I vehemently disagree with my colleagues policy of euthanasia as an acceptable answer to every-damned thing. I also give a great deal and expect to be treated respectfully and honestly.

This week I said "no" to two requests. I dug my heels in, left myself vulnerable to whatever legal repercussions to follow and I stood up to protect a pet knowing that the client might just walk out the door, drive 0.2 miles up the road to the next nearest vet clinic, walk-in, pay the $50 bucks for euthanasia on request and walk out 10 minutes later free of the burden their pet became. (PS to my vet neighbor up the road who may, or may not, hate or love me? I know I am probably the biggest PIA neighbor-vet who ever lived).

I have also made business relationships that transitioned into personal friendships. I provided an expectation for special treatments to these 'friends' and then disappointed them. The example list is long with friends who have "unfriended" me because I drew a line. I cannot ever leave well enough alone...Why? Why do I over extend myself and then feel hurt when I get dumped? Why do I always muddy the waters between business and friendship? (OK, I do know the answer to this.. because I feel obligated and compelled to be there for my patients, like, always).

Let's review my jilted list and see if it is an exercise in cathartism, or, just a gross display of dirty laundry? (Please refrain from casting a vote).

• The many decade long client with too many dogs who worries I will rat them out for not having a kennel license because they have too many dogs. (Did I ever mention I once had 12 cats?). They want special boarding prices because they cannot afford to board them all. They left the clinic when we didn't provide special pricing. (PS we are the cheapest place in town.. we know,, we checked). 
• The client who calls screaming that her dog "isn't breathing! She is coming in right NOW!" We direct her to the ER. We are closing within minutes. She is a nurse and she is livid. I try to call her the next day to explain that if anyone of her patients called her general practitioners office with this condition the first thing that would be said is "If this is a life threatening emergency please hang up and dial 911." Apparently added fuel to the fire. Relationship extinguished. (PS an emergency should always be treated like an emergency).
• The client who routinely calls demanding immediate appointments for whatever disaster-du-jour has occurred. If not provided an immediate appointment I get a personal cell phone call requesting such. All are always granted, and always seen within hours of the phone call. I am fairly certain the other vets at the clinic hate me for always insisting they see emergencies even when we are booked. Who do I try to make happy? (PS I still don't have the answer).
• Financially capable client requests an extension on paying the latest emergency bill. This request turns into constantly carrying a multi hundred dollar account for months. We ask nicely for payment, we are met with hostility, until finally the account is paid and they move to a "better" clinic. Who knew there are "better clinics" that are free? (I will pass along the info when I get their name).
• The client who has over 40 cats spayed/neutered/vaccinated and treated pro bono who accuses a popular widely used topical flea & tick preventative of killing their cats. Hysteria ensues at the clinic, adverse event report case is opened and then they refuse to answer any phone calls or provide any information because there is a "vet and vet manufacturer conspiracy" theory going on. They ended up getting away with over $3,000 worth of vet care and services and think I am the "corrupt" one.
• The number of vets who have left for greener pastures and the promised land. This one breaks me.. (note to self,, stop getting attached.).
• The client who is always reprehensibly nasty to the receptionists.. Why? Why would anyone be mean to them? I bid them adieu.. and I always call to tell them why. No one deserves to be spoken to with derogatory comments, profanities, and anger. (OK, I have no remorse here. But I find it sad that these clients are always nice to me. Like that's ok? If you have a boss who lets you get walked on, while they get treated like royalty call me,, anonymously., I will call your boss. What the hell do I have to lose? Doesn't everyone deserve a friend with a big mouth who has your back?).

I need healthy boundaries. I am not good at this..

Maybe I only need to believe in me? Maybe, if I am super lucky there will be others who stick with my vet clinic-pet crusade quest and we can change the world? Maybe one single pet at a time, and maybe only with my soul still inside my own heart.

No one ever said this life was easy.. at least I can bank on that.

(PS to those who think this is a personal note of defeat and submission I will leave a post script here to spare the phone tag inquiries.. I am OK. Promise. A diary, public as it may be, is still a one way vessel. You don't need to intervene. I m, learning, growing, and trying to spare my compassionate obsessive self along the way.. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe I can do it all better tomorrow?)

For those of you in vet med I know you understand this.. for those of you not in vet med please understand that all of us are human beings with big hearts (too often on our sleeves). To not care is to grow indifferent which is the death of the soul that fuels the heart of a caregiver.

Juice.. saved by JVC twice.

If you want to help pets please reach out to me. Leave a comment here, join me on Pawbly.com, or find me at the clinic Jarrettsville Veterinary Center, Facebook at Jarrettsville Vet, Twitter @FreePetAdvice, or YouTube.