If the intentions are intended to matter, so to do the consequences.
Here's the latest chapter in the saga of the Humane Society of Harford County as I continue to ask for transparency as the vehicle of trust to ensure that the pets of our community receive the best care possible as they await their second chance.
It is the dawning of anonymous letters arriving at the clinic. Anonymous as in "I want to call you out but I am too meek to do it in person." Now this might come across as mocking, (which it isn't intended to be), but it is a reminder that only adult conversations are entertained here. If you want to incite any kind of change anywhere you have to be willing to do two things; 1. stand up for something, and, 2. stick by it.
This entire endeavor with the Humane Society of Harford County started out as an offer of support, medication and a hopeful sparing of lives from a parvovirus outbreak. What resulted was an uncovering that there is not a veterinarian, (although they claim to have 4 on staff), who managed at least two of the dogs who were sick, nor, was there ever any intention to try to care for these dogs. It was, as it has remained, a veiled attempt to act like there is a caring environment for these animals whilst saving face to continue to seek taxpayers and donors dollars, via ignoring inquiries. This is where I came in. This is where this whole unveiling of events, leadership choices, and financial protections came to light. This is where this story, at least for me, started. What hasn't been shared by me publicly is that there were others asking the same questions, seeking the same answers, changes in accountability, and transparency, long before me. I am not novel in my queries here. I am simply the only one with the long game, and, a destination in mind. As I explained to the current HSHC President, I am stubborn. I do not give up. It will be complicit, and, I will not meet the same fate that Mikayla, (see reference in letter below), did. I am not able to be bullied. I have no time for it, and, I have no ability left for anyone else's opinion of me to matter. Where both letters are tactics for me to be afraid, concerned, (I don't even know because I just don't reside in that headspace), there is a sense of lightness in being independent from outside influence. It is with all of this said that I provide these letters the only space they will ever be given again. Someone out there is very heavily invested in shutting me up, or, ashamed to be part of this inquiry. You can send me a dozen more letters. I will add them to a pile in a file and move on. You can seek counseling for your need to be heard, seen, and influence, but here it falls on deaf ears. You are, as my references choose to remain, barking up the wrong tree.
I truly, honestly, and bold faced firmy have to say that there isn't anyone who can make me question my intentions. I don't care if you don't like me. I just don't let anyone influence my purpose. It has taken some time and some bruises along the way, but it is the crown you wear at 50.
While I try to live by a motto of "always be kind" it is often at the expense of choosing to be correct, or right some perceived wrong. I can be harsh, direct, and unyielding. I will also always remain the person who never turns away a pet in need, always tries to help my fellow woman/man, and always gives more than I expect to get in return. You don't know me outside of Facebook. I'm not your enemy, but I might be the person who kneels at the anthem, the woman who will not go to the back of the bus, and the person who goes to a war torn nation to save a bear. This endeavor is not about you. This is about something bigger than me too. This is about compassion for those without a voice, at the mercy of the world they have been overlooked, diminished and fallen prey too. Maybe that will help you refrain from feeling compelled to stay in the dark.
This is about protecting the most vulnerable and the most needy of our community. For those of us who seek comfort, companionship, and yes, acceptance from a world we feel alone in, our pets are our everything. I see each pet, every single animal and being in the same light. If you cannot, will not, or do not view them in this capacity than you have no place in pet care whether that is private veterinary medicine or the public shelter system.
The letter yesterday (7/17/25) When the threat of prosecution doesn't work use suicide?
The first letter 6/10/25 Apparently intended to be a threat of legal action based on a leaked document that was given to the Sheriff's department.
So, where to go from here? Onward and upward and tip-toe through the potential threats of voices who need an audience from someone that they can control. She isn't me.
For anyone who feels bullied I offer empathy. For anyone who thinks it is coming from me I offer this; every statement has been public, posted and I remain transparent. I share the emails, the videos, and the content. You may not like what I have to say, but, I am not a veterinarian for people, I am a veterinarian for those without a voice to seek mercy. Are they mutually exclusive? Well, they shouldn't be. Dogs, and cats were killed at the shelter without a chance. They deserved better. No one can feel good about denying a treatable patient a chance. Asking me to stop, or go away is not going to happen no matter how many letters you send me. I cannot offer advice outside of the words I tell myself. No one else's opinions matter. You only have to like yourself at the end. Life is about living the one you feel provides you purpose, joy, and helps others. You won't be liked by everyone. You have to accept that and be ok with it. If you are ever in a position that holds others lives in your hands you better be prepared for scrutiny. It is what you give up when you decide for others. This is where my argument lies. This is where I fight my battles and remain heels dug in unyielding to the threats and the name calling.
There isn't anything here but determination, conviction and compassion for the patients of the profession I serve within. There is no noose I will let anyone place upon my neck as I try to save every wet nose that needs me.
There's always a guy who takes it for the team. The fall guy. In some cases they land on the sword to save the rest of the troops. The Captain who goes down with the ship. The Emmett Till open coffin that puts a real face on the brutality of racism. In others they are set up without volunteering. We call this..
The Patsy
definition;
noun
a person who is easily taken advantage of, especially by being cheated or blamed for something
A patsy is often used as a scapegoat or fall guy by someone else who wants to avoid responsibility or consequences for their own actions. This term can also refer to a person who is taken advantage of in a scheme or scam. The word 'patsy' often carries a negative connotation, suggesting that the person is foolish or gullible, and has been made a victim of someone else's scheme or plan.
How many patsy's are out there that don't know their lives are being set up behind their backs?
Zoey, Pyometra surgery 4/9/25
To explain where this is going I need to catch you up. There is a place that is the safety net for the animals to go when they are unwanted, unable to be cared for, on hold to be used as "evidence" in an investigation, or just plain old 'found' in our county. This place is also designated as an "open admission" shelter. It is what I refer to as a "necessary" institution. No one wants to need a shelter, and yet if we don't have one we will end up with animals on the streets attempting to fend for themselves, and often meeting pretty horrible deaths and suffering because of this. If you have ever been to a third world country you will see it all around you. Animals trying to survive off of trash. Freezing to death. Walking around wounded. Trying to raise offspring under very demanding, and unkind conditions. It is cruelty married to neglect via poverty. We no longer live in a country that provides care to people who love pets yet have financial limitations. We used to be a profession that put pets first. We no longer do. We are all to blame for this. Lost and found pets have very little good options. The safest option is to be brought to a shelter with a microchip so their owners can be notified immediately. Once at the shelter they have a minimum, (guaranteed by law, every place is a little different on time), holding period. This is about the only right they have. We hope that they are treated kindly and compassionately, but, this is not a guarantee and this is also in the eye of the beholder.
On March 10, 2025 a press release was delivered to my veterinary clinic notifying the county of a parvovirus outbreak at the shelter. As soon as we were notified we reached out to the shelter to offer help. We were notified a day later that all of the dogs had already been euthanized. What has ensued is a series of strategic missteps to try to avoid public scrutiny.
See the series of videos on this outbreak unfolding
here;
I remain determined to have a few questions about these dogs answered openly and honestly. This has yet to happen. The parvo puppies (from what I have been told) were brought in by Animal Control. They were sick if not on arrival, very shortly thereafter. One was so sick it was not given its intake vaccines and was sent to the ER. This (I thought was case 1, was really case 2). This is the only dog that I know of who was under veterinary oversight. The rest remain still unaccounted for as to whether they ever saw a veterinarian, were on their stray hold, (which is supposed to guarantee them the time for their family to show up to claim them), or be euthanized by one of only three people; the Sheriff, a veterinarian, or the Executive Director of the shelter. The current ED has no animal care experience. It appears that she decided to euthanize these dogs. It is difficult for me to accept that she made a decision on their denial for medical treatment when she has no credentials to assess them. She absolutely should have had a veterinarian oversee this outbreak, and these dogs.
These questions remain. When did each of them arrive? Under whose oversight were they brought to the shelter? Who authorized their care? Who authorized their euthanasia? What are their credentials in doing so? Why wasn't this infectious disease outbreak overseen by a veterinarian from start to finish?
For the whole time I have been a veterinarian at our practice (20 years) the shelter has seemed cursed. For about 2 years, (a few years ago), I volunteered once a week to help provide rabies vaccinations so pets would be protected and be able to find homes. We cannot adopt out a pet without a rabies vaccine. I was a volunteer. I never got paid for my time. I also adopted out at least 12 animals who needed homes, were too sick to be housed there, or were slated for imminent euthanasia. I understand personally and professionally the difficulties of the shelter.
This shelter, well, it's always had its challenges. Every place does. And yet, they still seemed to be cursed on top of that. I have spent the last three weeks trying to understand how things got so bad. I spent 3 weeks talking to people who work there, volunteer there, donate there, got fired/terminated/resigned from there. The stories people shared had so many common themes that my idea of cursed turned into inevitable. It is inevitable that things have turned out the way they have. Just like expecting parvo to hit when you bring 33 puppies in together. (See previous parvo puppy blog here). Disease is just waiting for you. The only, (yes only), way a shelter can be run as the community that supports it wants it to be, is to be a reflection of that community. All communities are different. Areas of the country view pets/animals differently. As a practice owner in this county I will say that people love their pets like family. They expect their pets, even if they are under their a different entities roof, to be treated as such. This is called trust. We inherently want to trust in the system, and people, put in place to provide this care. (See open letter to HCHS on trust here).
Birdie. My kitten. Local rescue
HCHS tactic number one; ignore and hope it goes away. I spent weeks asking for answers. If you do get a reply it is paltry and dismissive. After that, if you keep asking you just get ignored. (references; ED, Head of the Board. Notefull also occurring at AC dept).
There is little argument that the staff turnover is too high in the shelter. There are numerous reasons for this. As someone who did volunteer there, there is an overarching desire among many there that they want to help. They specifically want to help the pets in the system who struggle to find placement. For me it was the elderly, sick cats. The ones that weren't cute, round, cuddly. The ones overlooked. The ones that didn't have a great chance at getting out. It was very hard to go every week, but, the faces that I knew would be waiting for me always tugged me back. I was there for them. There is an incredible sense of purpose that leads to powerful persuasion in helping those without anyone else.
Why is the turnover so high at the shelter? The answer, (reminder again, this is all my opinion), is that poor leadership breeds poor performance. By the accounts of previous employees it is a toxic (their word) environment. (See their own stories here).
Why does it seem the same thing repeats over and over and over? I have been in this county for 20 years, and it always seems the same. Rumors swirl about the state of affairs at the shelter. Animals are being neglected, denied the care that is outlined in the Standard Of Care manual that is utilized and posted for the public, someone catches wind of it, and a cleaning of the house occurs. (They do get most of their funding from the taxpayers). And yet the overseeing humans who hire top staff and are charged with making the remains relatively intact with very few animal care experts on it. (How can that be ideal for the animals?). The place is not cursed. The place runs by keeping the staff afraid to ask questions. Afraid to advocate for the residents. They are terminated via an email without an in person explanation. The people, pets and the status quo is disposable. People and pets there are treated the same. When there is accountability being asked for you get silence.
Here's what I am wondering. (Disclaimer time, this is my personal blog. I do not know any of these people personally, and I have no feeling for them one way or the other). How can a place with such an important purpose be inspirational, uplifting, life changing and healthy for all involved? Isn't the answer that it has to be supported, cared for, and believed in? If it has that infrastructure it can create protocols for people to know what is expected of them. But, if it is closed, secretive, and loses its purpose the power plays evolve. Pets are love. Love has to be at the center of every decision, every action and every persons ethos. It has to be. We do not live in a place where pets are viewed as anything else.
Don't we all need to hear this every so often?
Tactic Number two; Bully and intimidate. Secretly hand out termination letters. Post a public announcement that all of the inquiries are for "social media" attention. Every person at the shelter who has spoken to me explains it the same way. The management wants employees to feel that they are permitted there by the grace of the powers above them. If you want to run a magnificently successful shelter this ethos is upside down. The management exists at the mercy of those who get their hands dirty for them to stay in their executive attire.
The typical scenario is that it is the Executive Director (ED) is the face of the shelter. They manage the facility and its occupants/staff/etc. They are hired by the Board of Directors. (They have a website, you can see for yourself). The Board is smart enough to know, based on decades of Patsy's, to pick someone who won't know they are being set up. When your past two top hires have left on uncertain/unfriendly terms the common denominator is the the people who decide who gets to decide everything that follows after, OR, the directives you give the Director.
The pattern of behavior is that the Board terminates, or forces out with willing resignation, the ED, the shelter manager follows, and then the hiring process begins again. When it does they say things like; "It's a new day! We have new people. A fresh new approach to wipe the slate clean." Sounds like another deflection from responsibility, and certainly doesn't build transparency. Trust, well, that's another tough nut to put your whole heart and soul into.
It seems that the current choice for ED is a person with little to no animal experience. You don't know what you don't know, and the shelter is a tough place to get your training wheels. We were all young and green once. Some of us realized that growing up fast could be painful. Ask me what being sent to a military academy at 17, with a hatred for women, and an administrations penchant for hazing does to you?
My personal opinion is that they chose wisely, vs. chose for expertise. Apparently the last guy was recruited by a headhunter, and these days there is (allegedly) still money missing from the operating fund. The rumor mill (always this place,, we also have an issue with transparency,, but more on that later), is that they couldn't afford the head hunter this time. (They are, after all facing a budget crisis. They haven't posted their numbers in a few years, so even this is speculation, hearsay from members who have attended budget meetings, and the staff being told they cannot purchase items, or house sick parvo puppies, or provide "gold standard of vet care" (I actually was sent that email). Turns out they have budget constraints but are sending people to Vegas for a shelter conference. I'm all for investing in your people. I do see them as your most valuable asset. Inexperienced doesn't mean unqualified, but it does beg the question as to motives when the Board consistently provides directives/objectives to the ED, and then claims to not have direct involvement with the shelter or its day to day activities. You can't have it both ways. It appears that there is always enough distance and nescience to keep their hands clean, but, never leadership to be a backstop. There is always plausible deniability.
Plausible deniability is a tactic a lawyer would employ. I think the Board has those?
Stacking the deck with youth and naivety is a great way to deflect responsibility elsewhere. That and the 5th. They seem to employ that often too.
The other thing I hear a lot is the political nepotism in the county. I don't have direct first hand experience of that, but if there is smoke, and if you hear it often enough, there probably is some truth to it. Tomorrow is the day I look into this. If the puppies were picked up by AC they were supposed to be on a stray hold. Was this one, simple, integral right of theirs pardoned? If so was any licensed, credentialled veterinarian at the helm of this decision?
Professionalism. Well, I suppose it is a soapbox others can stand on, but, when you tell me there isn't a guarantee of 100% success with this treatment option, therefore it justifies euthanizing all of the parvo dogs, we might want to reconsider what does offer 100% in life? See post about the shelter declining to treat the parvo puppies with the treatment we offered (for free, just in case we need a reminder) here.
The previous employees I have spoken to all chorus the same things. The patterns repeat themselves.
"I was punished because I cared too much."
"I didn't speak out because it never got the other people anywhere."
"I stayed quiet because if they fired me I wouldn't be able to see the dogs/cats anymore." (How many abused/battered people stay because of this? Trauma is trauma).
"The Board doesn't care."
"They euthanize for space."
"The numbers don't add up." (The No-Kill status and the operating budget).
"The Board never is seen, or heard, or a part of the shelter." (Leadership at its finest, was tagged numerous times).
"The dogs are euthanized for no reason."
"The dogs are set up to have a behavioral problem and then euthanized because of it." Withholding food. Reducing meals to once a day. The stress of the facility. Dogs are going to respond to stimuli. In almost all cases dogs are mis-read and punished for it. Making an assessment of a dogs responses when they are in the most stressful place they will ever be placed in is unfair.
Snoop. Found in a steel leg hold trap. Local rescue.
Tactic Three; The Patsy.
The system will always make the Patsy pay. Until we all unite against political pressures, power grabs, and the insidious nature of wealth accumulation, this will never stop. If you asked me to predict the outcome of this it is; the Board never cared enough to be invested to begin with. They would prefer to save face at the witching hour and will quietly ride off into the night, versus stand up when the challenges meet the pavement. They will leave from embarrassment instead of humility and hope that the next guy can do a better job. Leadership is about passing the baton for the sake of the troops you respect. The Captain goes down with the ship is how I was raised.
The ED will be replaced. After the silent treatment didn't work, the intimidation didn't squelch the mob, the Patsy goes next. (This will supercede the above). If the above doesn't happen the whole cycle repeats again. History loves to repeat itself if you aren't paying attention. At some point I will take the time to do a follow up on the previous ED's. A whole "Look at where they are now," series. Wonder how many of them are going to look back and feel really good about taking one for the team. Or have Jerseys with a new company logo that says; "Hello, my name is Patsy."
The Patsy extends beyond the board and the executive Director. The Patsy extends to those people who are taking care of the dogs and cats on a personal and individual basis. What kind of place fires a volunteer because they’re more concerned about their image their face and their dollar generating ability then the pets themselves. There is no volunteer who’s gonna volunteer with the trauma that it takes to be in a shelter and then worry about being fired. How can you even do such a thing.Why aren’t they treated like the precious valuable commodity that they are. That’s the ultimate Patsy. Their video here.
Land mine marker, side of the road driving in Ukraine.
Could you accept it? Or swallow it?
What about start to process and digest it?
How capable are you of rising above and introspection?
Deworming puppies in Ukraine
It's called adulting. You will learn it at some point. Or, die bitter still stuck on the silly, petty, bullshit that takes up the first 40 years of most peoples lives. Move on, chin up, be kind, let it go. It's really never worth the effort. People either love you for who you are, accept you for what you haven't yet mastered, and wish you well regardless of the differences, or, they just don't. How is that your problem? Why does it bother you? Or, matter, at all?
Maybe it is all you? Maybe it is all your responsibility to improve your own life? Maybe, even, just maybe you have the power to improve someone else's along the way too? Maybe you just need to forgive yourself for not being perfect, try to grow kinder, and wish others luck in doing the same? Maybe it's all about perspective, independent self assurance, and living the example that makes the world a better place to be in?
Start there. Be better than you ever have to be. Kinder than you ever imagined anyone could be. And just be happy with that.
The note left with two bunnies abandoned at the clinic this week. There are always people struggling more than you can see on the outside.
oh,, and go hug your cat.
It is impossible for me to come back from a war where everyone is afraid, suffering and unsure of what tomorrow holds, and see the staff at the clinic fighting, crying, and despairing over clean up duties. I know I am supposed to empathize, talk it all out, and find a calm peaceful resolve to the petty ridiculous juvenile puling,,, but I can't. I just can't. I can't lower my worries to include the bullying being tolerated by empowered, privileged white women who are apparently so immature it is important enough to cry over.
Maybe I will pay for it down the road? This inability to see problems that manifest out of air from perceptions that aren't worthy of the time it takes to address it? But, then again, it was war. Maybe they all need to set foot on Ukrainian soil to remember what life might look like if you weren't so caught up in the mopping injustices of closing time?
Found in Ukraine. Broken back, poor use of her back legs, and afraid. After two days of calm, gentle support she melted. She is the sweetest, most grateful girl. She is one we could save.
... I guess the parting thought is that life is full of so many challenges. Think outside of yourself. Remember how lucky you are and how little anyone else's opinion matters.
For more on Ukraine please see my previous blogs.
P.S. I find it implausible that anyone thinks this blog is specific to them.. it is not. It is as much an internal dialogue with myself,, as it is an external discussion with the way I know see things differently. I am not the same person I was before going to Ukraine. I will never be the same. I left grateful for all we have here, all of the incredible wealth, freedoms, and access to,, well, anything here, but I came back not more grateful, but instead less tolerant. Less tolerant to other people's real problems and my ability to empathize with them. I just can't see the little problems as big problems. Isn't life all about perceptions? And isn't the answer to hardship empathy? Why is it then that I don't want them back?
It has been one year. My life, almost everything about how I see and live it, has changed over this past 365 days. It has been one year since the video I made about a pet who had not been given enough options to help them found me and we saved her life for a fraction of what had been offered a few hours earlier at the ER. It is a story I hear daily. People being told they have three options; fork up the deposit immediately (often 2 am), euthanize (always, as I hear it from these clients, too strongly encouraged if the deposit can't be produced), or, go home to let your dog suffer. My video opened the dirty secret of how limited the options given often are, and people were angry.
I struck a nerve. A painful, deep, resonating nerve. It followed full circle. It came to haunt me, humble me, and cause we to seriously reconsider the path I had spent my whole life, over 4 decades, building.
The consideration to bail on everything vet related, was on the table more than once. You can live life, hard already by any measure, and consciously decide to try to make it easier. At some place, affectionately (hopefully) before you slam into the bottom, it helps to try to make your life easier, or, at least not create your own landmines and road blocks.
I considered hiding, running, bailing, abandoning my calling, repeatedly. I told myself over and over again "that this job wasn't worth dying for." I live in a profession that has grown almost immune and indifferent to bailing. suicide-risk-highest-among-small-animal-female-veterinarians. I was blamed by numerous people for being part of the cause of this abysmal fact. I was even removed from the groups dedicated to helping vets in danger of hurting themselves. The profession took my voice as an attack when its intention (who everyone outside of medicine saw as it was), was a plea for a pet to be given more than she was.
Turns out the reality is that this being a veterinarian gig isn't just a job, and the problem doesn't go away because you hide or kill yourself because you got lost in the pain of feeling helpless and hurt.
Never was I the one to take the road less traveled. Me, no, i will jump into the poison ivy to make a point. The message can get lost in the delivery if your too battered to enunciate or stand at the podium.
Here's what I have learned, and how my plea for help to those we rely on and serve changed me;
Don't make a point out of anger. Nothing good comes from that place.. it's cathartic, but not constructive. That is my only regret. A voice of passion is more powerful and lasting than anger. I was met by anger and I contributed to it. I have learned that lesson.. (the hard way of course,.,).
Let the lunatics hang themselves.. don't feed them. I stopped responding to the hateful diatribe early on in the 4,000 plus comments left on that video post. It turns out the other side of the angry mob (the distraught pet parents) did a better job than I could.
Keep records,,, screenshots are important. Karma is King. And, nasty people live nasty lives. Let them live them. I, and they, know who you are. You can only kill so many animals for all of the awful inexcusable reasons that you do and before you know it you have built your own legacy. Maybe indifference will help ease the burden? Maybe blaming others will? Maybe your cost of living needs to be reassessed instead of the clients standard of care? There is a #MeToo movement on the horizon in vet med. I'll be one of those women pointing the finger and reciting my experience to those some of the men and women who bully to intimidate and threaten to coerce.
Take the high road. Even if you have to gag yourself to do it.
Be ready to stand by what you believe in, but always be prepared for sacrifice when you do. Remember at the end of this journey you will only have to face yourself. No one else's opinion matters. You die alone, you might as well like the person you share your grave with.
Sacrifice became a consistent theme over the last year. I repeatedly had to ask myself what I was willing to sacrifice. It was made more apparent when ER's, private practitioners, (some of them I used to believe were friends), and a few of the angry online mob all sent the cases they could have taken care of to me,,, some just showed up to say, "my dog needs a pyo surgery, my vet down the road, said you do it cheap." I did A LOT of surgeries last year. I made a real difference in peoples lives, and best of all saved a boat load of pets who would have otherwise been relieved humanely of their suffering economically. There is more to this profession, to the lives entwined in it than a simple linear mathematical equation dictated by an economist. There is more to every life than DISEASE + FINANCIAL ABILITY = OUTCOME. There is a pet, a person, and an emotional tie that far outweigh the scales ability to measure "equals."
Me and my pup Storm.
To all of the squawkers who proclaimed that the video was a "marketing ploy" I have to admit that I wasn't that calculating, nor, divisive. But, I also have to admit it worked. Business has never been better. But business doesn't last because of a catchy ad. There has to be substance to that client experience. Truth is that video, that message, was honest and compassionate. If you are trying to run a business, most importantly, a service based business, people can see through the bull, the sales pitches, the fake motto's. Don't tell people that you "treat their pets life family" and then send them packing to find help because they aren't profitable, convenient or as prepared as you expected them to be. Your family must really have their shit together, unlike all of the rest of us.
There were days of phone calls. All of them set-ups from "fake clients" trying to get us on tape declining to help them "for free." When we began to question them, like "please let us have your number so we can call you back to discuss," click. Or, yelling, screaming, cursing at us on the phone.
It seems to me after this year of questioning who I am, what kind of vet I want to be, and what my veterinary legacy will be, I have come to understand that I am really not afraid anymore. No matter what you threaten me with, no matter how long I feel that I am walking alone, no matter how tired I get from doing the pyo's everyone else wants to send my way to teach me my lesson, I am who I am. I am not for sale, I cannot be shamed, silenced, beaten, abandoned, or castigated to a quiet place. This is a profession who kills themselves at unprecedented numbers, I won't be sent there, I won't retreat there, and I won't feel lost in the finding of a place of peace. Its there inside me. ranting.
There is a peaceful resignation to knowing what you are capable of, how you can survive feeling so alone. A sense of transcendent maturity.
I accepted months into this bashing quest to ruin me (three letters sent to the Board, multiple calls from "veterinary groups" to fuel their fires, shutting down all social media outlets, and numerous private warnings from people I didn't even know to "be careful" people are "out to get you." that if someone wants to get you they will. You can't walk through life always afraid. It just isn't sustainable if you are trying to live in and through it.
I would rather walk away from veterinary medicine proud that I never euthanized a treatable pet, gave every option imaginable and faced the wrath of a profession set out to destroy me, than let the ghosts of the voiceless steal my soul.
We all pick sides. It is the nature of conscious awakening. I picked a side a long, long time ago. I went to vet school to take care of animals. I will continue to do so. I stand with them.
There is more to come. Promise.
Here is the original Veterinary rant video,,, after being chastised by almost every veterinary group and organization to "Take It Down!" it stands. Perhaps simply as a voice for those who have been wounded by us, this profession, perhaps, as a small symbol of freedom of speech (after being challenged by the State Board to be removed/and have me punished for an ethical violation), and maybe perhaps to be a rallying cry for change?
Side note for those of you paying attention. It has been longer than a year since the video went viral. When the anniversary came around I was grieving (terribly) over the loss of my beagle pup Jekyll. It consumed me, and, the thought of trying to put words on paper about anything other than him was impossible. I took time to grieve him, and I took time to reckon this subject. It really comes down to deciding what you can and can't live without. I had to live without him (two very sick puppies to refocus on have helped me more than I can measure), and, knowing that there were people who wouldn't let me feel alone.
My slogan for 2019 exists in two parts; #transparency #getoutalive
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There are a few key concepts to pet care that vets just intuitively get. Something about our ability to provide empathy, our understanding of biology, psychology, and determination of sheer will in the face of adversity. It is why we know to not give up on a sick kitten, parvo puppy, or judge a short coated wide nosed bully breed as automatically being guilty of the label "dangerous." We can sniff out disease, diagnose via one sentence in a chart without ever seeing the pet, and make spot-on assessments in whip cracking time. We are an intuitive deeply sensitive organic bunch.
Aurora
Many of us chose medicine because we like a challenge. A list of incomplete clues and playing detective. We also like gambling on gut feelings... we all do it. It is the fun of having little access to all the big expensive diagnostic tools that give you neatly packaged answers and remind you to always be humble. We also chose to study and practice this craft for the benefit of pets as the cuter cuddlier alternative to the humans we would rather avoid.
For too many vets the situation is this; One on one, vet to patient, we are incredibly adept and skilled... BUT, one on one vet to client, OR, vet to superior vet, we are falling apart. We are unable to voice concerns, stand up for ourselves, our patients, our integrity, our self respect, our emotional well-being, or the others around us as they are being bullied. We are victims of abuse in our own places of work and we don't provide ourselves a short term, long term, or even a differential plan to improve it. We are abysmal doctors in caring for our own disease.
Some of us live daily in a quiet self-imposed crippling torture. Some of us are leaders like practice owners, relief vets, self-employed, or practicing and living based on our own needs and desires. It is often the simple fact of the "haves" and the "have-nots" and the delicate piece of earth that remains in between. Status, titles, empowerment, entitlement, whatever the case, the "haves" decide and the "have-nots" put up with it. Many are associates living by a play book someone else directs and dictates. I have become increasingly aware of this group through my blog and a few secret Facebook groups dedicated to providing support and a safety net to those of us who are in danger or intimately aware at how high the suicide rate in our profession is. It is heart breaking to hear how many people feel trapped and desperately unhappy. As this profession shifts hands to the next generation of intelligent compassionate women it seems to have also shifted into treacherous waters full of mental anguish. Veterinary medicine is replete with emotionally embroiled overabundance. The problem seems to be where to manage the excess when you have learned helplessness.
Peanut
I usually try to not alienate anyone by providing generalizations, BUT, this is a plea for those who need it to get their own SELF HELP so I am going to be as direct as possible.
Why do vets allow themselves to be bullied? Studies show it is that they feel one of the following;
TRAPPED. People will die internally, or kill themselves if they feel trapped. Chew your paw off to get out of a leg hold trap. Put a bird, gorilla, elephant, whale in a cage too small, deny them love, stimuli and a healthy happy environment and they will unravel. We have all seen it. We recognize it, we diagnose it, and now we need to start treating it. We need to do this reflectively. We are no different than the dogs, cats, and caged beasts our clients have inadvertently messed up to the point of needing professional intervention.
CONFLICTED. We are asked, expected, or ordered to do things we do not agree with. Add a pathetic patient whose fate literally lies in our hands into the mix = recipe for disaster, lying, self loathing, and emotional heartbreak.
EXHAUSTED. We have this ludicrous idea and expectation that your self worth is directly proportional to your self destructive obsessive compulsive work ethic that denies and promotes not eating, not sleeping and not using the bathroom. In less civilized times it was termed "slavery." Except now it is viewed as "self-imposed and expected." Perversely it is rewarded to work to past the point of exhaustion. Who wants an exhausted doctor?
FINANCIALLY BOUND. OK, we are in debt up to our eyes. Some are drowning. Naive, blindingly stupid, immature debt because we absolutely had to go to vet school. (Starting to see a pattern of self-perpetuating stubborn behavior here?).
Beckett
The "haves" hold this false counterproductive belief that if you work or reside in a profession built on a pyramid of power the minions at the bottom need a reason to stay complaint and stay quiet. The history of dynasties is built on this premise. You either "have" or you are a "have-not". High school meets real-life and still the same drama persists.
Women out there who are unhappy I offer this advice;
Try to understand what the most basic source of your discontent is.
Is it finances? Is it due to debt? If so is digging deeper, working harder, and sacrificing the balance that keeps you able to work in a healthy manner worth it? If you feel tied to a bottom line you will inevitably make poor decisions and perhaps even cost your patients the options that might cost them their lives. I know of associates who are requested to maintain an average client transaction that starts at a number. Client options therefore include those above the ACT or euthanasia. It is both criminal and unethical. There are "embedded costs" in services that inflate the basic service fee. Does an x-ray include a mandatory radiologists review? Why? You will in many cases be paying for something added that you don't need. You are financially bound.
Is it a boss or co-worker who makes your life hell? Do you take it? Do you ever ask yourself if you have to? If you want to? Or if the consequences are worth the courage it takes to stand up and demand something different? I will be the first to admit that I live on the other side. On the side that makes me incapable of being civil at times. In the face of cruelty, neglect and bullying I am quick to drop an F-bomb, and I am not picky about who I drop them around. I am that cat in the cage who always chooses to hiss, claw, and fight. It is as basic and primal as the feral cats response to fear of being eaten. I realize there are Cocker Spaniels out there. Everyone loves a Cocker Spaniel. We vets expect that their lowered ears and cowering submissive tail wag all say "Please go away, I am too afraid.. But I am paralyzed to do anything about it." "Oops, I think I just piddled on the floor...." You are exhausted and trapped. We know that some dogs will resort to biting via deeply seated redirected aggression, or a submissive dog pees. Cats, well, we all know they are smarter. They haul ass for a new home, or claw your eyes out. Be the cat.
Is it emotional disconnect from who you thought you were? The healer you wanted to be and the vehicle of lack of options that you have become? I would argue that this is a myth. I am living proof. I can't explain to you exactly how it happened, but at some point I decided I was going to live by and be true to the core of who I am. I save from suffering, I protect and provide happy healthy lives. I most importantly refuse to believe or accept the commonly broadcast brainwashing bullshit that "we can't save them all." We can, we merely decide to not be the one who plays God, determines life or death short of death shrouding above our patients. We ease suffering and we don't speculate for an easy convenient death. Yield your pink sword for only the battles already lost, not those being fought. You are conflicted.
Most vets work under another vet by reason of rank, length of employment, or experience.
Most have binding contracts that dictate terms and conditions that must be met to insure continuance of said employment.
Most vets are in debt and need to maintain continued employment to break even. Getting ahead is a dream way down the road.
Most vets have learned, or been instructed to, keep their mouth shut in the face of adversity or confrontation. I know lots of vets who are instructed to stay in the exam room repeating treatment options and allow verbal abuse from the emotionally AND financially strapped client to get a treatment plan estimate signed and deposit placed.
Most vets avoid job searching like it is water boarding. We loathe the hunt for a new home.
Most vets cannot, yes, simply cannot, muster the little voice buried deep down that allows them to stand up for themselves. Ever. We are taught to take it. We take it to get into vet school, we take it once we get into vet school, and we keep on taking it. You practice what you are taught.
Most rationalize the bullying. They learn when to avoid the bully, what the triggers are, and rationalize that they can minimize the hurtful altercations if they only can do..... The maneuvering to avoid the tickling down of nastiness is a dance that wastes your time and diminishes your ability to do your job of helping your patients.
The options out are either insurmountable, inaccessible, or unfathomable. So people stay trapped.
How does the military address bullying? It provides outside resources. Is honest in its advice to not seek help within the team and add further dissension, and it reminds us that managements assistance in providing a safe workplace is critical. But what happens if management is the bully? And what happens if you, as next in command, are expected to both take the crap coming downhill, and figure out how to live by example, maintain your own code of ethics and want to protect those beneath you?
The military resemblance is solid.. So lets move onto a topic we all can relate to; dog training and behavior issues.
I found these 4 week old kittens on one early morning run in a tire on the side of the road. In 1 day they transformed into marshmallow-love-muffins.
If we are so adept at identifying the source of the problem and making a diagnosis without most of the fancy expensive human medicine equivalents at our disposal then why is it that we can't fix our own problems? Why don't the skills and lessons we have already learned and mastered translate into the veterinary office bullying dynamics? Why aren't we rewarding only the good and ignoring the bad? Wouldn't things change if you just shut off your ears and walked away every time the boss started barking, growling, hissing or trying to spray/pee on you to mark their territory?
We know better, but we can't ask for, or demand, or even role model better? Reward the good. Smile and say "thanks" when you do something amazing. Miracles happen everyday in practice. Give yourself a gold star! Post on social media your favorite feel good moments. Empower and recognize yourself daily.
Remember that there are people who work for you so lead by example. We are all conditioning each other to act appropriately. Keep training your staff. Teach them new things, share the wealth of your experience and expertise. We all need and deserve praise, empowerment, a shoulder to lean on and a trusted co-worker as much as you do. It isn't about picking sides and building a team against your boss it is being the shining example of how to raise a healthy human in a dysfunctional family. This is every behavior puppy exam we see. We know how to do this. Train the parent to see the world through the pets eyes to enrich the bond and avoid the biting behavior case down the road. We do not condone yelling, punishing, hitting or being harsh to a puppy, or anyone in our care. EVER.
Try to see yourself as the person you want to be? How can you get there? Is behavior modification needed? Do you need a trainer, mentor, or secret Facebook friend/group to help you muster the courage to keep yourself alive?
River
Staying in a toxic environment is detrimental to your quality of life. How many times a day do we discuss "assessing quality of life" with our clients? How many pennies are in your "bad day" jar? Choosing to stay is a behavioral learned condition. "How do I train my cat to go back to using the litter box?" To which we reply back, "We always treat the medical condition first, and then begin behavior modification training." If you are not feeling well please ask your doctor for help.
We are acutely skilled at understanding and categorizing the behaviors and responses our patients display. We assess and prescribe our reactive behaviors and treatments to these. Are you the "get out the drugs" when the frightened cat starts fighting back, girl? Or, do you act like the Cocker Spaniel with paralyzing fear and either ignore or be calmer/more gentle? We empathize with our patients and adapt accordingly. If your boss is using a newspaper to emotionally swat you into submission, rubbing your nose in your own excrement, bullying/intimidating you, or in any way making you feel anything other than valued, my best honest advice is to salvage yourself, guard your own self esteem, and walk. It is not lonelier, scarier, or worse on the other side of a hard decision. There is nothing more important to you than your life.. your own destiny in your hands. You made it through vet school. Most of us thought that was almost impossible. It wasn't, you did it. You walked in, and you walked out, and the rest of your life is yours. Never surrender that. It is yours.
Gus-Gus,, found in a dumpster emaciated, tail tip deglove, parasites-galore!
A very good friend and associate described her struggles with her emotional well-being in her previous practices as this: "I knew I was in need of help. I called the State Board and was told they couldn't do anything. I called a lawyer to ask for help with my abusive boss. She told me "it sounded awful and that she was sure she could assist and then asked me if I had $400 per hour to pay for her help?" I didn't know where to go. So I moved from one bad practice to another." Sounds like so many of us who get stuck in bad relationships, doesn't it?
There is this huge move in veterinary medicine to provide a Fear-Free (trademarked) practice. Essentially it is a certification to train the staff to provide fear free care, handling and services to the patients who are under our care. Why isn't this being taught to the staff and superiors at the clinic? Perhaps Fear-Free needs to start at the top and trickle all the way down?
Maybe its time to address our own health with our own advice?
Pray what you preach. Learn how to incorporate a healthy workplace into your life and as an extension of it. If you can't muster that voice follow your advice and decide your own destiny. Here are some of my favorite training tips; How many could you incorporate in your life to improve it?
1. Get outside. Everything is better under a tree, in the grass, or bathed in sunshine.
2. Find something to hug. The toughest days are always easier to tackle with a kitten hug or a beagle kiss.
3. Remind yourself whose life you made better today. (PS the number of legs they walk on is not important).
4. You are a caretaker. Take care of yourself. Happy people have happy pets.
5. Dig deep until you find that treasure. Be the JRT! Work passionately and let your passion provide the answers to the tough questions.
6. Never surrender the bone. Hold onto to your soul and don't let anyone take it.
7. Retractable leashes are dangerous and self-deprecating. Walk side by side enjoying each others company, or go leash free and let the adventures of the unknown be your guide.
8. Reward a good day with a healthy snack and a long rest. Dx yourself with bilious vomiting syndrome,, have a snack before bed!
9. Collars, like monogrammed white coats, can be resized, redesigned and replaced. No one owns you.
10. Cancer, disease, and death are far more likely if you don't care for the whole package. Protect your life and be the best friend to your best friends by taking care of yourself for the long haul. We know how to tell our clients how to do this. It is never easy to implement a change for long term benefit but that is not an excuse to not try.. you made it through vet school after all. You can do anything!
Chance
Walk into every situation, every patient and every dilemma with the attitude of "what can I do to help?" If the answer is "get the hell out!" listen. You are an amazing healer with an adept skill set even without all of the fancy expensive diagnostics to back your diagnosis up.
If I can help please find me on Facebook, at this blog, or at my vet clinic, all are listed at the end. I will really try to not sound like a Drill Sargent and I really will be on your side, no judgement, no harassment, no consequences, just love, support and encouragement on your terms.. no one is trapped.
About me;
Still wandering around in rose colored glasses. Still loving being a vet. Still filling my cup at every chance I take. And, still trying to save the world one wet nose at a time. I started Pawbly.com as a way to help provide a safety net to those in need and those who can provide help. It is a free to use site intent on inspiring and empowering. Please join us in saving the pets of the world.
I am a small animal vet in northern Maryland. Jarrettsville Vet is in Harford County MD. A busy 7 day a week, 6 DVM practice where care is never denied and happy endings are always on the To-Do list.
I am also on Twitter @FreePetAdvice, Facebook, YouTube and in the yard/couch with my own four legged kids. If you need me, or you need help you can leave me a phone call, comment, or email. I will help in whatever way I can.
