Fear and Guilt. Why these won't help your pet get better, and why our pets are smarter than we are.

 

Chloe smiles for our selfie.

The emotional attachment that we have with our pets is undeniable. It is the reason we take those cold early morning potty walks, go out of our way to purchase the gourmet snacks, kibble, sweaters and personalized collars, and choose to stay home on date night rather than leave the kids at home.  Our love for our companions drives us to baby talk and bedside cuddles. It also causes some of us to be crippled in the decision making process.

Those emotions also leave some us to be enslaved to an emotional roller coaster of inner turmoil.

You can't have one strong emotional attachment, like love for our pet, and not have the rest of the emotional baggage that goes along for the ride.

Guilt and fear are the ugly step sisters to love. I have to remind myself that my clients might not admit it, but much of their reasoning, reactions, and behaviors are due to guilt and fear.

These two terrorists harbor nothing positive for you or your pet when it comes to healthcare.

As your vet I will admit that I get afraid too. I also have a decade of experience to remind me that there are always consequences. Fear of knowing the truth doesn't allow you a different truth. It just provides you a shorter list of opportunities. Fear of anesthesia only leaves you with regret when the operable mass, dental disease, or failure to spay at 6 months old is now your pets death sentence. Fear of cost will cost your conscious. Fear of treating to spare your pet the pain of a treatment is an unfounded assumption.

There isn't one fear in your heart that we haven't thought of, planned for, nor provided an answer to. Say it out loud to us. We will listen and we will be your pets champion. BUT, this discussion can only happen with the foundation of trust in place.

You have to trust in your heart that we have your pets best interest in our hearts. If you don't nothing that follows, nor any decision that you make will feel right, settle peacefully, nor help you face the same emotional hostages the next time.

I know that we veterinarians can seem a bit reserved and composed when we talk about all of the scary things we do routinely. But, doing them routinely keeps us emotionally able to perform our jobs. Would you want a crying hysterical surgeon standing over you? No, we can't concentrate on your pet, or our task, if we are in a fog of fear, guilt, or emotional instability.

I had a very good reminder of these the other day.

One came in the form of a Pawbly question. Monalisa asked;
"Can a vitamin liquid supplement cause your 3 year old cat to die prior to your pet having a severe sickness?"

Here is my answer;
I receive many questions from clients reeling from the loss of their pet and desperate to try to identify what happened to ease their guilt and despair. The answer is always incredibly difficult to answer. Primarily because I empathize with the terrible burden of pain that it is to bear losing a pet.

So, first, I always remind my clients that their greatest gift to their pet was their love to them. It is the greatest joy to share your life with a pet, and the hardest thing to lose them. BUT, without you they may have never known love, or laughter, or what a real home is. That is everything. You were everything to your pet and I am sure your pet is grateful for the time they had with you.

Many pets die without us knowing why or what happened. Some of them can hide or mask signs of illness and this makes understanding that they need medical help difficult.

Can poisonings or toxicities occur? Yes, I am always very conservative with the products I recommend because the labeling and rules on pet products are not as strict and stringent as they are with human products.

Is it likely that it was the supplement? Probably not. But there is really no point in beating yourself up over loving your cat. I'm sure that you were trying to provide them the best life possible.

I hope that this helps, and please don't hesitate to ask about how we can help you care for your pets. That's what we are here for.

My deepest sympathies.

Your pet knows that life is something that you live in this moment. No fear, no regrets, no second to trade for this one. They also know that you are the best

And from a friend I received this;
I would like to talk to you about my dog who is 10. I am terrified about his lumpy leg. He had FNA twice in recent years. It was diagnosed as a lipoma, but so big now. Feel OK talking to you. 
If he needs surgery I think I'd like you to do it.

My friend also sent me this; The Secret Reason Your Clients Are Afraid.

My answer back;

"I'm happy to see you both. Please call the office and schedule an appointment."

That was 5 days ago. No call and no reply from my very devoted pet parent friend.

I sent a note asking if she had gotten my reply? She confessed that her fear was crippling her. She was so afraid she couldn't pick up the phone and call my office, or reply to my email.

"What if I look at it and decide it isn't significant enough to even discuss removing? Why don't we take it one step at a time?"

Where do I think my best advice lies? Well, I suppose we all need to be brave enough to open up the dialogue by opening up our mouths, confessing the emotions of our hearts, and build a meaningful relationship centered around trust.

Your pet lives in the here and the now. They are free from guilt and fear and live with love and joy. It is our job to think and act for a happier and healthier tomorrow. Be proactive and become the master of both your destinies.. and always keep a little bit of faith  in your heart.

Related Blogs;
There Has To Be Mercy Before Money.

Too Afraid To Fail. When Your Fear Costs Your Patients.

How Do Our Perceptions Lead Us?

To ask a pet question on Pawbly.com just sign up and ask away. All questions are free to ask and the Pawbly community will add their thoughts and opinions. Pawbly is free for all to participate.

If you would like an appointment with me, or any of the other amazing people at the clinic please find our information on our Jarrettsville Vet website or Jarrettsville Vet Facebook page.

I am also on Twitter @FreePetAdvice.

Don't Make Me Call Your Mom

The hardest part of this job is feeling like you are responsible for every pet that needs help.

Saying "No," is a very hard, and very uncomfortable thing to do when someone asks you for help because they love and care about their pet but cannot afford to provide for them.

I have been helping a thirty-somethingish man who is obviously having some internal struggles with his 12 year old unspayed sweet German Shepherd for about 6 months.

He calls me about every 60 days to tell me that he is concerned about the mass that is growing more and more pendulous on the caudal aspect of her ventrum. It is most likely a mammary tumor and it is most likely a bad one.

Every time he calls he tells me that he loves his girl, and that he knows it needs to be surgically removed and he wants to know "how much that is going to cost?"

Everytime I speak to him my answer is always the same, "Well, I can't give an estimate over the phone without seeing her first, and even then it is sometimes hard to pin it right on the dollar."

"Well, I can't afford to do both the exam and the surgery, and I don't know how much surgery is going to cost?"

So every time I offer him a free exam.

He brings her in each time with a larger and larger mass and a more disparaging grimmace on his face. Every exam the estimate gets larger, and every exam her prognosis worsens. And every time he leaves feeling more determined to find the resources to fix his dog.

Last night I got another call.

"Doc, the tumor is about twice the size of the softball it was last time. How much is it gonna cost me to take it off her?"

"Well, its very hard to give an estimate. Surgery cost is dependent on time and I don't..."

"DOC! You saw it last time! You don't need to see her! It's bigger! She needs it removed!" He was upset, he was sounding desperate, and he was beginning to get belligerent.

And so began yet another conversation with yet another client who is peachy-keen-sweet-as-pie to you when they want and think they are going to get something from you, until you try to stand your ground, and then the beast gets unleashed and they become a raging, cursing, guilt placing menace.

I loathe the parts of my day where I find myself blitheringly spouting off excuses about "why I can't give payment plans," and "that I am not a financial instituition," as I am assaulted with guilt ridden pleadings about why I should be doing/providing/caring for...blah..blah..blah..

Oh god its awful. Nothing in the world sucks more than someone making you feel guilty.

He repeatedly reminded me that he had no credit, couldnt get credit, and had no one to help him.

He repeatedly told me that "If you can't help then I have to put her down. Is that what you want me to do? Put her down!"

Theres no recovery from these remarks. There is nowhere to go. There is nothing that you can say to turn an angry desperate person who loves their pet into an understanding accepting person.

He hung up on me as I tried to offer some rescue organizations names that I knew would likely not call him back,and likely not be able to help sufficiently if they did.

Phone clicks, I say "hello?, hello?" knowing full well that I have been hung up on.

OK, fork in the road. What do you do next?

I take a deep breathe, I get angry, I feel awful, I let the wave of guilt crash upon me, and I pick the phone back up.

And I call his mother.

And I explain the whole thing to her. This is a small town, and I have a memory like an elephant. I know who is related to whom, and that there is more than one way to skin...(ugh! terrible saying).. a potato?.

And she apologizes. Which I am grateful for, and feel even more guilty about.

She asks me if I can give him a payment plan?

I reply, "Well, we don't offer payment plans (because they NEVER! EVER! work!), I'm sorry."

Can every vet offer a payment plan? Well, yes, of course. But you do not get paid back. Expect it, and if you are silly enough to offer it, expect to write those accounts off, and then be inundated by people asking for more "free" services. That's what you will get.

His mom pushes on, "But you could give one, couldn't you?"

I reply, "If I did could he pay me back?"

"No," she replies without a hesitation.

The conversation ends with her telling me that her son loves his dog, and that he has "some troubles" and that she will talk to him. She will call back and she will help him find the answers to his dear dogs issues.

The chain of guilt is one link lighter.

And tomorrow is another day.

If you have any pet related questions you can find me @FreePetAdvice, and Pawbly.com. I am happy to help, no guilt, PLEASE!!